Dinner was fried duck, squash, spinach salad with caesar dressing, and a good rose

I have known him since January, met first at a show and smoked together in his car, yapping for two hours in the rain. We have been best friends since. I was the one to fall first, and I fell hard. But I kept it hidden, I didn't want to ruin the friendship because he said I was his best friend, and we were there for each other whenever we could. He got me pudding when I couldn't eat because of a fresh tongue piercing.

We got along so well partially because of our similar mental issues, which his often caused him to not talk to me for a week or two, or anyone else for that matter, which was okay then, because we were just friends and circumstances were different.

I called out to the universe one day, saying "send me a man who's timid but silly, with his own interests. I want my Mr. Darcy." Lo and behold, he came back from one of his hiatuses, then I learned he played Mr. Darcy in a play years ago. It was like a sign. We started hanging out more, he was always over in my dorm, watching musicals or just enjoying each other's company. We hang out in his car, when I found out he had a girlfriend and was oblivious to my feelings, but their relationship was on its last leg. She supposedly never talked to him except to be intimate. They broke up, she got with one of his best friends. That was back in the end of the spring semester.

Now to the present. At the end of August, we go to a show, it was the same artist we saw the first time we met, so it was significant, we sit close and get dinner afterwards, making a game of who could get back to my apartment first. I had missed my silly guy. Then he posts on his insta note, "what are my dreams telling me..." with a romantic song attached. I go over to his apartment to hang out and watch movies and ask him about it. In the dream, I had kissed him.  He asked if I wanted to make it true, which my answer was yes, of course, I was beyond smitten with him. So, our relationship had gone to the next level. Then he stays the night in my apartment two days later, we had gone out to the middle of nowhere to smoke, I threw up on the way back but was perfectly peachy. He sang to me as well, a song from one of our favorite musicals. I told him at the end, "I was going to say I wanted to kiss you..." which he eagerly responded, "You can!", before I finished with, "...but I also threw up earlier." It was funny and endearing. We were intimate for the first time the next morning, where the usual question of 'what are we? What do we call this?' came up after, where he said he didn't feel like it was right to call me his girlfriend until he's taken me on an actual date. Sweet, right? Apparently, his car got towed that morning at my apartment, because there were no available guest spots, so he parked in resident, on a weekend where a lot of our residents go to their hometown. I drive almost 40 minutes away with him, pay for his car without hesitation, I would've done anything for him. He promised to pay me back; I told him he could by taking me on dates in the future. 

But then things start to get weird. He starts ghosting me again over the span of a week, with one snap sent here and there. I say something about it the first week, because it worried me sick. He said there was nothing to worry about, he was just stressed from class. I accept that, then another week passes of next to no contact. It started to affect me mentally, and very badly at that, as well as affecting my everyday life with classes. I felt awful all the time, crying to sleep most nights, I went to my classes, but I was hardly present. I got so behind, I forgot about assignments and started to skip class because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed. I was losing hair and myself. I've become someone I never thought I'd be, all because of this boy. My friends had to witness me losing myself over him.

Then I decided, I need to go out, make myself have fun. So, I go to a frat party with my friends, which happens to be the same one the boy is pledging. Good, because we can finally see each other and have a good time! Wrong. I'm overstimulated in a room with a bunch of people going in and out of it, crowded all the time. He comes in, I decide to be silly and said "hey, handsome, you come here often?" Because we often joke with each other like that. He doesn't seem too thrilled to see me and doesn't talk to me. Next thing I know, he left the room. I go outside for a breather, a lot of emotions hitting me all at once. I end up leaving the party crying, which isn't how I wanted the night to end at all. So, I get taken home, and by this point, I was just upset with him. I text him, asking what his problem is. He says he doesn't have a problem with me, so then comes me telling him how I've been feeling, which I don't think he fully grasped. He says he doesn't know what he wants with me, and that he's been busy with class, frat stuff, and his e-sports team which he is the captain of, as well as handling his own issues. Which I understood to an extent, but it was not fair to do that to me after I paid $340 for his car and our relationship had gone to a better degree. He knows how I feel about things like that, and that I'd never be intimate with someone if I didn't want a serious relationship with them. All while he knows we have similar issues, and I've had manic episodes in the past that he's been present for, and I'm not being treated since I can't afford it currently. Nevertheless, things ended there and he promised to have my money back. 

It's just messed with me so much and I don't think he realizes the extent of it. I have been living in a daze for the past month. I think I'm over him, then I hear a song we liked or see a photo of him, and I cry like someone near to me has passed away. It got to the point it physically hurt and made me sick. I told him we needed to talk about things in person so I can at least have some closure, no response since then on when. Never in my life have I been hurt so badly, and I think it's from where I had liked him for so long. Even my friends and family were supportive of us being together. Now we're all shocked. And it makes me wonder if the ex-girlfriend was really as bad as he said she was, or if he was doing the same thing he did to me with her, but I try not to dwell on it. However, it isn't just me he does it to, he does it to his parents and other friends. 

I've only recently started to come out of my haze, because I can't jeopardize my grades or my life over this. Nonetheless, I am still using his guest parking spot at his apartment since it's right next to campus (and everyone knows that trying to find parking on campus after 6 AM is pointless), until he gets my money back. Because as far as anyone is concerned, that's my $340 parking spot. Yet, I hate to say it, I would take him back if he showed to me, he was actually going to try to do better for himself and put more effort into a relationship. I don't expect that to happen, but a girl could hope. I want the sweet and fun boy I used to know to come back. 

Sorry for the long rant, it's just a lot I needed to get off my chest, and the situation needs a lot of context. 

He Was Supposed to be My Mr. Darcy