"Cassian needs more grace and consideration"

So, this is a topic I had to deal with pretty often, especially considering my anti-Nessian posts where I'm mainly blaming Cassian: Why don't we consider Cassian's mental health? He was also going through something. We expect grace for Nesta but can't give it to him, expecting Cassian to be perfect. Why do we ignore the fact that Nesta also wasn't perfect? And so on, and so on.

And I wanna quote some pro-Cassian excerpts from a discussion where I tried to point why Cassian wasn't correct in his actions regarding Nesta:

I hate saying this but I think we have to remember this is a man who grew up in a masculine environment where that’s how they handled things.

Cassian is still learning how women, especially Nesta, think and handle emotions

So, reminder Cassian is 500ish, and Nesta is 25.

There has always been a power imbalance between them, especially in SF, where he is tasked with taking care of Nesta.

He had years to overcome his trauma, and he didn't act graciously then.

He still has trauma and a lot of insecurities that he projects onto Nesta.

Do I think his childhood was sad? Yes, it was horrible, and it is a sign of the urgent need to reform Illyria; however, he didn't have a bad life, he is quite successful, has a found family, and is respected as a General.

For the last 50 years, he lived in Velaris, which, to our knowledge, is not a misogynistic place. If anything he should know from Mor's experience how bad the world can be for women.

I'm sorry, but in this context seeing things like the excerpts above and many other attempts to defend Cassian, reads as infantilization of men and praising them for minimal effort while women are always held to higher standards. And don't get me wrong, two idiots doing stupid things and trying to maintain/create a relationship is something I love to read. However, in SF, Nessian is a good idea tainted with certain bad authorial decisions.

First and foremost, and this is also the answer to why I can't offer the same grace to Cassian: the power imbalance. Making Cassian responsible for Nesta's progress/healing/training and responsible for her review, which decides where she's gonna live, is automatically putting him in a position where he has to act wiser, more patient, more professional. And I think it's important to highlight that he's doing his job, despite people who try to say, "he put his life on pause to help Nesta". If certain moments from SF had happened under different circumstances, where Nesta and Cassian were just forced to collaborate, I would've been more lenient towards him.

Secondly, the narrative bias. It's important to state that Cassian has his problems and growth potential. One of the main things is his insecurity; he often projects it onto Nesta. This is as destructive for the Nessian relationship as Nesta's self-hate. Yet the narrative constantly holds Cassian in this morally superior position, and we need to be honest: SJM often isn't subtle with the character portrayal.

Feyre would say Rhys is the most gorgeous male ever to exist in the TAR prologue, so you know not to be harsh on him. All these "he did this bad thing, but I always had a feeling there's something more", or she would say about Nesta, "she may seem a bitch, but maybe consider that she isn't" .

So when the narrative, since MAF is pushing this Cassian the most loyal, honest, brave and formidable male, whom Nesta doesn't deserve, this is his role, and Nesta gets that she's infuriating, but there's something behind it that maybe makes her deserving of a chance. It's pointless to give him grace when the narrative does it already (more than what he deserves), and I disagree with the narrative.

To challenge the ideas that he knows Nesta and what she needs, that his actions speak louder than words, that he was always there for her, and that he was a good partner, I need to deconstruct the narrative and show why it is not working; this requires deconstructing the image of Cassian, who is described as a patient male who is constantly showing Nesta grace.

If we are to accept that Cassian is just an imperfect man, then I would like to see the same push for his growth as we saw with Nesta. Yet, we do not see any real acknowledgement of his problems, nor any real growth. Under these conditions, I will continue to highlight how horrendous this "taming of the shrew" plot line is and Cassian's part in it.

Also I think I'm more frustrated with SJM's choices than with Cassian's character per se, but people who praise him as "EQ king", "patient male", "the best mate" and are confused when I mention I'd like to see some growth for him, are sure adding to this frustration, especially when it comes with certain opinions about Nesta which are the cherry on top of the hypocrisy pile.