I feel like BPD means I'm going to end up alone

I’m having one of those weeks where I genuinely can’t tell what is reality and what is my brain interpreting everything through abandonment/BPD.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 years, with some breakups/reconciliation in between, and our relationship has been pretty difficult for a long time. I’ve also been doing much deeper therapy recently, specifically around abandonment issues, and somehow instead of making me feel better it feels like I’ve opened Pandora’s box.

Last Sunday I completely lost it. I spent around 3 hours crying, hyperventilating and sitting on the floor absolutely convinced that I’m going to die alone, never have children, disappoint my parents, etc. At the time these thoughts didn’t feel like “anxiety” or intrusive thoughts. They felt like facts. Like suddenly I could see my entire future and it was completely hopeless.

Obviously my mood followed me into this week.

Today my boyfriend and I had another very difficult conversation. He basically told me that he’s exhausted by how much this relationship affects him, that he feels like he sacrifices more for the relationship than I do because he’s the “stronger” one, and that he’s the only person who has stayed beside me while other people have distanced themselves from me.

And the horrible part is… I can’t even completely disagree with him.

I know there are things in our relationship that genuinely hurt me and things he does that aren’t okay either. So I don’t want to reduce everything to “I’m crazy and he’s perfect.” But at the same time I keep thinking: would I want to be in a relationship with someone like me?

I’m incredibly sensitive to rejection. I catastrophize. When I feel abandoned I can go from relatively okay to completely convinced my life is over. I need reassurance. I analyze everything. And even after years of therapy, I still have these episodes.

Tonight my brain has basically landed on: maybe this is just who I am. Maybe I’m fundamentally too difficult to have a healthy relationship with, and I’m eventually going to have to learn how to live my entire life alone.

And I know that sounds dramatic. I know this is probably exactly the kind of black-and-white, hopeless thinking I’m supposed to question.

But right now it feels incredibly real.