i’m squandering everything i’ve been given

im 19 and come from a pretty privileged background, mom’s a psychologist and everything and my dad makes good money. they were abusive when i was growing up but i never went hungry and got gifts frequently and they’ve mellowed with age. pretty sure i was sa’d pretty young though. or maybe i like to think so i can excuse how i am.

i’ve been chronically depressed since i was 9 and it’s been a constant loop of getting better and getting worse and i legitimately don’t see an end in sight outside of suicide. i’m on meds and have gotten therapy. i did good in highschool and got really good grades so i deluded myself that i could go to college for neuroscience. all paid for by my parents btw. stayed inside the entire semester and started hallucinating until i came home for break then tried to seriously kill myself for the 4th time. went to group therapy then held a job for like 2 months then shut myself in and stopped going because just being alive is humiliating. currently unemployed and sleeping all day.

my family and my boyfriend loves me and wants me to get better and no one is mad at me for being this way which just makes everything worse because i just feel like genuine scum on the heel of everyone’s shoes. everyone keeps telling me i can do whatever i want and that im so smart and shit but i don’t feel it at all. i don’t know who they’re talking about, that’s not me. i read everyone else’s stories and how rough they have and it’s just made me realise it’s hopeless. if i can have so much medical and emotional support and still feel so terrible all the time then i really don’t know if i’m ever going to get better. i am legitimately just sick in the head and im unsure if there’s a cure.

only reason that im here is because im overwhelmingly selfish and don’t want to deal with the consequences if i fail, which is more than likely considering the methods available to me. thinking about just running away and either starting over or getting killed violently instead. i just don’t want to be me, i have never wanted to be me before my personality even developed.