How do I let go when I just can’t?

I 31F don’t know what to do in my marriage. We’ve been married 7 and a half years now. And it’s only ever been a mess. At this point I don’t think he’ll(32M) ever change, and I’m not sure how much I should keep enduring. I’ve given him way too many chances. Over things he says are, to him mundane, things that I shouldn’t worry about. But his behavior really hurts me. And he behaves certain ways infront of me, but I’ve also seen how he acts when he thinks I’m not paying attention. We have been together for 12 years. I know this man and his patterns. He says it’s because I’ve lost myself  ever since my mom died. I did. I’ll admit that. I was 25 then, and had depended on her in all the ways a daughter depends on a mother. I lost her on Mother’s Day. That’s a rough story as well. But I was young then, and dumb enough to convince myself she would pull through the cancer; even as it continued to eat her away in front of my eyes. I’m just now, at freshly 31, coming back around to wanting to be a person again, and trying to figure out who adult me is. But he’s hurt me, intentionally at this point, because we have the same conversation every 3/6/12 months. He’s admitted vaguely to cheating, but then tells me he only said what I wanted to hear, knowing I’ve seen the messages. He puts himself in situations he said he would have left me if I had done the same. He used** to specifically look at certificate influencers on social media for the sneaky photo videos they post. He deleted texts and emails and all of the above, all the time and tells me I’m crazy for thinking that. But I’ve caught them in his deleted folder more than once and outted myself. I can have all of the evidence infront of my face, and still when he tells me different enough times I start to question myself and everything I’ve seen. I’m a stay at home mom of 5, my most recent is 6 months old. My oldest is not my husbands by blood, but by all other means is his nonetheless. So I have 4 kids by him. I just don’t understand. I have literally given my whole life to him. Mistakingly, now I’m learning. This hurt has been as bad as my mom dying but also a clarity in a way. I thought I knew him, in a way I know him to his core, but… I don’t, I don’t think I like who I’ve truly gotten to know. I don’t think he knows what love is. Because I can tell him over and over that his behaviors are hurting me and he says it’s my fault for taking it personally or feeling that way as he puts it. He keeps promising that everything will be better once we move. He’ll be a more involved dad, he’ll be a more devout husband, he’ll be present in the family. Because it’ll be easier, he won’t be so frustrated. I’ve heard this before. But I’m sure I’ve said the same trying to climb out of my depression pit. I feel the most alone I have ever felt in my life. I have been fighting and clawing to get back to myself, because my kids deserve the best version of me. He works anywhere from 10-12 hours a day. With a 2 hour drive time round trip. He’s a utility locator, so always out and about and has a large county to cover. When he does finally get home, he lives on his phone. And this past year I’ve learned what a monster he truly can be. I’m so broken. I’m also solely dependent on him right now and I’m not so sure he hasn’t made it that way, maybe unintentionally, maybe mindlessly intentional. Idk. But I’m lost. I don’t know what to do at this point. I have slight financial aid from my dad. But other than that I don’t really talk to my other family for different reasons. I have a close friend but she lives in Illinois and has her own horror story she’s dealing with. I love him truly, I do. But I don’t know how to keep moving forward when I’m not as important to him as his coworkers are. When his family isn’t the main priority. I don’t want to get into it about the kids too much, they love him, they’re young, I’ll not spoil their image of him with my words. I will say though the last few days he’s been off his phone more, by giving it to our middle(4), but it’s still him on his work phone or demanding we watch tv when I have 5 kids I’m looking after. He’s caused a few of the delays in this home loan process too, not to mention has been extremely lazy when it comes to trying to learn and understand anything he’s signing or hearing, or just anything in this process. That’s a whole nother rabbit hole I need to stop trailing off on to. I just don’t know what to do anymore. It’s effecting everything. I feel more like his mom than his wife at this point. Like what even is a wife, more than a mother, maid, caregiver, nurse, cook, accountant, and silent about her feelings? I know my relationship is not a good place to be in, but what can I do? I have worked really hard to get us this far in the house buying process. Blood sweat and tears type stuff. We don’t currently have a permanent address so to speak, it’s an rv park. I can’t renew my license yet without a bill or proof of address. The registration is out on my truck bc he holds all the info to it, as technically I bought it for him, we just put it in my name. My dad has actually supplied most of the finances to get the property and house that I’m currently working on closing. The loan is in my husbands name for credit reasons, and the loan company has been playing merry go round bs. My husband is also terrible about communicating to everyone except work related. So the loan isn’t his primary concern, meaning he sucks at understanding that communication greases the wheels so to speak.
I’m angry and hurt and there’s a lot more to the story I’m sure I’m missing. I will say for context. In the very beginning, we were about a year together, I did cheat on him stupidly. He went to jail, I thought I was going to break up with him, I thought doing that would make it easier. I was about to turn 21 it was a rough time. I was not the smartest little asshole. I regret my mistakes. They are also still a weapon to this day. I have not done anything even remotely close or even thought about it since. Unless, like him, you count watching raunchy tv shows, and reading spicy fantasy novels in my “free” time. I do have self frustration towards my bad choices, but I’m trying to move past it. Because I know that is not still the cause of his behaviors, it’s his scapegoat. I just wonder if I started this whole down hill slope. I do know now that he lied to me in the beginning as well. Wanting to wait and take things slow, because he really liked me. Turns out he had gonorrhea and was finishing his antibiotics. I found that out from his sister a few years later when I was pregnant with our first after his “revenge one time” cheating event.
I know I have probably stayed way too long, but I just got lost thinking, this time ggwill be different, every time. I want my daughter and sons to have a better image of love. I want to be loved, I want someone to accept my love. I never thought I wanted to start over but I can’t keep going like this. I’m going out of my mind always putting the pieces together. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.