I am everything I promised to never be. (A letter to the pedophile)

To V,

You found me a week into me turning 18. You knew how young I was. You were a forty-two year old man.

You knew you were about to abuse me the day you first spoke to me.

The first time ever you spoke to me, you had probably laid out an intrinsic plan on how you would groom me.

It was so strategic. I was so naive. I could have never known.

But for a second, keep the abuse aside. Let's (not) ignore the part you made me– a girl who had JUST turned 18– feel like i was too OLD for your liking.

You always did talk about me being 14. You sick fucking creep.

The worst part ever that till date affects me?

The shitty rules you imposed to hold onto my girlhood when I desperately pushed it down, it would be like bleeding infront of a shark to be girly infront of you V.

Dont smoke

Dont do makeup

Dont cut your hair

Dont eat sugar

Dont lift weights

Dont get tattoos

Your friends are out to get you

Your family is out to get you...

The first thing I ever did when I dumped your old broke ass was go and smoke a fat cigarette and think to myself, "ugh finally."

The first time I cut my hair after that, I felt those memories leave me physically.

I lift like sisyphus, except my punishment in this life is knowing that you had the chance to take away my innocence and girlhood before I got to chance to retire it on my own.

My punishment is being "too mature" for my age and being "smarter" than my peers. I WANT THE BLISS OF IGNORANCE BACK. I will starve myself of food and gnaw and scratch and beat at your door for eternity in the hopes of tearing your heart out and drinking from it. Some hunger cannot be satisfied with rice... some need blood.

Every change for me is a milestone away from you

The first time shaving my head

The first tattoo

The first cigarette

All of them.

I love myself for it.

Everytime I eat after tearing my body down at the gym, I eat like a gluttonous fucking pig. I eat like a starving DOG who has been abandoned in a famine.

Because the thought of a girl being this loud and crazy would disgust you.

The thought of a grown woman ACTING like a grown woman would disgust you.

I hate it.

Everytime I cut my hair off, thinking the memories of that abuse are gone. I feel safe. I feel un-feminine enough to be untouchable to a person like you. Thats the end of it.

It grows back. When it does; it feels like im watching the sun rise on a lone mountain in Manali.

But once its back, I think of you again. And i cut it all off again.

I wish to see a day. A sunrise where i wake up with my hair to my ankles, knowing i havent thought of you long enough to be able to not cut it off to feel safe.

When will I feel safe from people like you V?

Is it when I am 60 with wrinkles on my forehead?

Will i always have to keep altering my appearance to feel safe from you? Will i have to always smoke my lungs out to be unappealing to you?

I hope you die of something painful

And your 70 year old mother who knew about the abuse is an absolute fucking bitch too.

I hope you suffocate on your own insides.