Numb, Not Expecting Anything, Anxious, Still Lonely

My life can feel so numb lately, i feel like i just wanna get close to one person where I love hanging out with them online or offline and they feel the same way, where we have this really pleasant chemistry, but on the other hand i can be picky, intrusive, impulsive, and i do realize i ruin some of the friendships or potential friendship/relationship I have, I know I can be quite difficult to deal with and its tiring, so I would do things alone.

But I do wanna be with someone, at least someone who is patient enough to deal with me and I will try my best to adjust to them, if I can see and feel someone wants to be with me I can adjust myself.

So it's lonely, having trust issues make it worse too because at times I can be really sensitive to clashes, passive agressiveness, rejections, but I admit there are times where I started the conflict by confronting things, I know if I'm direct I can be really direct without reading the room, a thing I hate about myself, where I did it to test someone's patience towards me, but I know people each have their own patience.