Dear M

I hope you’ll never see this, otherwise I’ll need to move to another country out of embarrassment. I just want to write this down in hopes that my feelings and confusion fade away.
I don’t want to deal with them anymore.

So what I want to say is that I kind of miss you.. like a lot… and I don’t understand how that happened. We don’t know each other well enough for me to miss you, but here I am.

I love your handsome face, I love the way you look at me with those gorgeous brown eyes of yours. I love the look on your face when you are focused on your work as if nothing else exists in that moment.

I love your voice, the passion in it when you’re excited about a topic, or the softness when you’re trying to reassure me, or the seemingly so nonchalant voice you use but between the lines still full of care. You are so silently caring. You’re not the type of man to tell me sweet things you think I want to hear, but someone who shows his care through actions. I hope one day I can show you how much I actually care about you.

I liked you from the beginning, but when you invited me into your arms at the end of the day when it was just the two of us…well, that’s when I realized I was falling for you. I’m sorry I didn’t hug you long enough. To be honest, I didn’t want to let go of you, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to step over professional boundaries. At the same time I’m sorry I hugged you so tight. Maybe it was too much, was it?

I’m struggling to describe what I felt in that moment, when my body was touching yours, yet I’m still wondering if you felt the same. It’s ridiculous for me to think so... why would you?

Now that time has passed, I’m convinced that when you look at me on rare occasions, it’s probably just because I am already looking at you. If you say hi to me, it’s probably just because I said it first. If you are near me, it’s probably just because it’s inevitable. If you talk to every other woman in the room, it’s not because you try to avoid me, but because I am genuinely invisible to you.

Sometimes I wish I hadn’t gotten a taste of your attention, your gaze, your touch. I am truly addicted to you.

I’m sorry about the last time, when our eyes locked as I was staring at you. I tried to secretly admire you from afar, but apparently I’m not good at hiding it.
However, I am sorry if I creeped you out.

I wish you would message me even if we’ve never texted..but I guess you never will. Would you mind if I sent you a simple „hey“?
Maybe we could go on a date? Maybe this time you could hold me by my waist?

Do I ever get to see you again?
I truly adore you. If I had known that day was the last to be around you, I would have made you stay. Now I will always be left wondering what could have been.