TW: miscarriage, mentions of blood

Dinner: vegan sushi from my favorite local place, the only thing I've eaten in two days

Husband and I have been trying for a baby for about a year and a half now. Before this recent pregnancy, I was only pregnant one other time, which ended in a super early on miscarriage (like, a week after my positive test, I got my period). That first time was a year ago, and nothing since. Finally got pregnant again, and I miscarried two days ago at 8 weeks.

I was feeling unusually nauseous at work, and thought my morning sickness as just kicking my ass that day. Like, unable to keep any food down, hot flashes, constant 24/7 nausea. I told my manager, she was excited for me, and let me do some lighter duty that day due to how I was feeling. I get home after my shift, take a nap on the couch, get up to take the dog for her evening walk, and start feeling the littlest bit of cramping. Go to the bathroom, and there's blood. Instant panic. I text my husband, who was at work, that I'm going to the ER because I think I know what's happening. I'm already in tears and am devastated.

I was at the ER for just about 4 hours. I'm trying not to cry in the waiting room, but I just keep thinking over and over again about how my body keeps failing me, about the spare room finally being a kid's room and how I was going to clean it out, about how husband and I already picked out themes for the room, about baby names I'll never be able to use. 

I keep thinking how unfair this is. I haven't touched alcohol in over a year. I haven't consumed any THC or CBD, which I would normally use to help with my bipolar,  in months. I'm not medicated for my bipolar because I don't want it affecting my fertility, or have to discontinue it when I'm pregnant. I'm taking vitamins around the clock (all liquid because pill/capsule vitamins make me nauseous) that all taste disgusting for the sake of optimizing my body for a baby. I'm going to the gym, I'm losing weight, I rarely eat fast food, I'm meal prepping, I'm going to therapy, I'm constantly tracking my cycle, writing down every test, every temperature change my body has, every time we have sex, making sure husband takes his vitamins too -- I feel like I'm doing SO MUCH and monitoring myself with every little thing, and ITS. NOT. WORKING.

Husband manages to get out of work and waits with me in the lobby. Had to tell 6 different people I'm here because I'm miscarrying. After an ultrasound, the most painful IV I've ever gotten in my life, and blood tests, I finally get a room at the 4th hour. Tell person #7 I'm here because I'm miscarrying. Doctor comes in shortly after, tells me what husband and I already know: "You are no longer pregnant. I'm so sorry for your loss."

Final nurse comes in and starts unhooking me from everything. Up until now, everyone has told me a variation of "I'm sorry you're going through this. Thank you so much for coming in so we can help you. Take care of yourself." This nurse starts telling me that this will pass (and some other stuff I wasn't really listening to since I was so distraught by then). What I managed to hear was "You WILL get pregnant again. If you want the baby hard enough, you will have one." I'm sure this was supposed to be kind and helpful, but I just burst out in full sobs. Husband asks her to please leave, and we both just sob for like 10 minutes on the hospital bed, before we finally put ourselves together enough to leave.

I don't know how to want this more than I already do. I don't know what else I can do for my body to have me keep a baby. Is that why I can't get pregnant, or STAY pregnant? Two pregnancies, neither of them stuck. Do I REALLY not want it hard enough? I'm at a loss (well, several I guess). I'm gutted. I can't even tell my family, because they just gave me soooo much pity after the first time. I don't want that again.

I know this will pass, and I know I'll be okay. I just can't stop thinking "am I really not wanting it enough?" I just want to be okay.

Thank you for letting me talk about this and getting it off my chest, queens. Much love 🫶

TLDR; miscarried my second pregnancy two days ago, waited at the ER for 4 hours for them to confirm the miscarriage, and after so many nurses and doctors gave me kind words about taking care of myself through this hard time, the final nurse tells me "if you want a baby hard enough, you'll have one." I apparently don't want a baby hard enough. I don't know how to want one harder than I already do.

I apparently don't want to have a baby hard enough