sad girl dinner is peanut m&ms and diet mtn dew.

my now ex boyfriend (24) and i (25) were dating for almost a year. we broke up for a bit in april because i caught him texting a friend of his in a way that violated our relationship agreement (he wanted us to cut contact w ex hookups/fwbs so i agreed, but he didn't cut off this one girl.) i forgave it and we tried to move past it. as part of rebuilding trust, he laid out that he had hooked up with a girl that we both knew, and i didn't have an issue with that really as we were truly broken up, and we also swapped phone passwords/face ID. since then, i thought things had been good. we'd been having all of these deeply reflective talks and i felt like he was moving towards taking real accountability about why our trust was broken. i was coming to a place where i felt very secure in our relationship, i was becoming comfortable relying on him again. 

then last night, i felt off. we had a great date on tuesday, went to the state fair and again, things have been super good, but something just kept nagging at me so i went through it and found ... so much. he was dead asleep and i spent probably 5 hours combing through it all. it's horrible. not even just possible cheating, but also a metric fuck ton of debt from what i think is video game and porn addiction, texts to his bros about porn stars or women he met on discord/video games, calling them tweakers or coke whores, saying he'd "risk it all" for them, sending photos of an old hookup that he ghosted to his friends talking ab how hot she was. he'd sent nothing of me or about me, thankfully i guess?? some weird madonna whore complex going on there?? 

but honestly what hurt the most was finding his body count list. there was number 30, who i didn't know about. and 31, who i did. but then there was me, his partner of almost a year, who was reduced to only my first name and number 29. i keep thinking about it and crying. we've separately experienced a lot of hardships together and supported each other through that ... i received a chronic rare diagnosis, i was couch hopping when we met and secured housing, his sister relapsed in addiction and is in and out of the court system, he moved out on his own, he has an even younger sister that he helps take care of, we are involved in each others families, our friend group busted up and we had to make entirely new friends, he started college. all of this within the last year, being his partner and spending so much time loving him, and i'm simply "29 OP."

i acted normal when he woke up, he dropped me off at home, and then i texted him to call him out for being a fucking misogynistic weirdo, told him i deserved better, and blocked him before he had a chance to respond. his number has been deleted. i am proud of myself but this has super fucked me up and i think i'm going to need a long long long long time to recover emotionally. 

i'm number 29 on a list of 31