I have failed myself because of my indecisiveness

I just need to get this out somewhere. I am 25M.
This year I had three chances to change my life.

The first was a creative program, something I genuinely cared about. But after graduating, I'd most likely have been placed in a very expensive city on a low salary and at this stage of my life I couldn't justify that. So I let it go.

The second was a master's in Germany. I got rejected.

The third was a master's in the US, which I'd been waiting on for over a year. Then, right before I was supposed to fly, the CPT (internship) pause happened. Internships suddenly became uncertain and the whole plan started to look like a huge gamble with a huge loan attached. I hesitated, overthought it and by the time I was ready, it was too late to join this year.

Some of it wasn't in my control. Some of it was me. I over analyse every downside until the window closes and then I hate myself for it. Everything felt like the Grass is greener on the other side.

What hurts most is feeling left behind. Everyone around me seems to be moving: new countries, good jobs, real progress. I'm in the same place, same room, same routine, still trying to figure out what I even want. I've been craving a change, something exciting, anything to look forward to and right now there's nothing.

It’s sad because I used to be a very ambitious kid and I sometimes breakdown when I look at a picture of myself as a kid. I feel like I have let him down.

I know I'm supposed to be kind to myself. I know comparison is pointless. Knowing that doesn't make it stop. Now I feel like I just need to be off the radar, away from Social media, LinkedIn and even take a break and cut contacts with any of my friends until I figure out my life.

I'm tired. I'm low. I don't have a plan right now. I just didn't want to keep all of this stuck in my head anymore.