I think my partner is starting to use me financially and I don't know what to do.

My boyfriend (21M) and I (24F) have been together for over 4 years. We met online when we were 18 and 19, and I flew out to meet him in person about 7 months into our relationship. After that, we continued visiting each other every few months. In July, I finally moved across the country to live with him because we wanted to close the distance and finally start our life together.

I think one of the biggest problems between us is that we grew up VERY differently, especially when it comes to money. He's an only child and was pretty spoiled growing up. His mom worked as a travel agent in NYC and later became a landlord after buying a few properties. His family is pretty well off, and he's always had his parents to fall back on.

I grew up pretty much the opposite. Both of my parents are disabled, and money was often really tight. My sister and I were lucky to even have a roof over our heads. I've had to support myself and work consistently since I was 16.

Because of that, I've always been pretty careful with money. I like having savings, planning ahead, and knowing that if something unexpected happens, I'll be able to handle it. My boyfriend has never really had to be that way.

He's almost 22, still lives at home, dropped out of college because he found it too difficult, and works part time as a school bus aide. He makes around $300-$400 a week when he's working. There's absolutely nothing wrong with working part time or making less money than your partner. That's not what bothers me.

The problem is that he doesn't seem to plan around the money he DOES have, and then I end up being the one who has to make up the difference. Before I moved here, we agreed that our expenses would be split 50/50. I work full-time from home and he works part-time. We live upstairs in his parents' house in our own space. We have our own Wi-Fi and a mini kitchen setup, and we pay our agreed-upon portions of the rent. We still go downstairs and eat dinner with his parents most nights, but otherwise we're trying to live independently.

The problem is that I'm already feeling like I'm financially responsible for him. He has zero savings. His mom has access to his bank account and monitors his transactions. Whenever he gets paid, the money seems to disappear almost immediately. He'll owe me or his mom money, spend money on food, video games, model kits, etc., or recently, his mother has started transferring money out of his account into hers when she knows that he still owes me money, and then he's broke again.

He doesn't seem to budget or think very far ahead. His job is also seasonal, so he's been out of work for the summer. I understand that the lack of work isn't completely his fault, but he apparently made basically no effort to prepare for this financially. He has no savings to fall back on.

I've had to remind him over and over to file for unemployment, and he still hasn't even done it. Right now as of me writing this he has $0. If something unexpected happened tomorrow, I'd be the one who could actually pay for it. He wouldn't have anything.

So now I'm starting to feel like I'm his parent instead of his girlfriend. I'm constantly thinking about our bills, worrying about whether we're going to have enough money, thinking ahead, reminding him about things, and covering things when he doesn't have the money.

Just the other night he used my credit card to get gas for his car and then got the most expensive carwash instead of the cheaper one. I told him it kinda bothered me and I wish he'd be more mindful when using my credit card, then he tells me word for word "Well, you're in this car too." That really pissed me off. I'm already the one doing almost all of the contributing, and he's using MY credit card.

I got angry, and then he got extremely depressed and started apologizing repeatedly and it ruined the whole mood of that night. He was upset for 2 hours. And this kind of thing happens with other issues too. I'll bring up something that's bothering me, he'll get extremely upset with himself, apologize over and over, and then I end up feeling guilty for being upset in the first place.

The move itself has also been a HUGE adjustment for me. I moved from a decent town in California to rural Upstate New York to be with him. I knew it would be a massive change, but I was willing to do it because we've been together for so long and I wanted us to finally have a real life together. I left behind a lot of things I enjoyed. I used to go to comic cons, trading card shows, and other events pretty regularly. He never wanted to move to California, so ultimately I was the one who made the huge move.

I don't necessarily regret moving here, but it's been a massive adjustment. I'm far away from my family and the life I had before, and now I'm starting to feel like I made this huge change only to end up taking care of him financially. Another thing that makes me feel awful is that my family has no idea how bad the situation actually is.

They know I moved across the country to be with him, but they don't know that I'm currently financially supporting him. I know exactly what they'd say if they knew. They'd probably be asking why I moved across the country just to end up paying for a guy who isn't financially independent. I'm embarrassed that I even let it get to this point.

His parents, on the other hand, already know I'm paying for pretty much everything. They know their son has no money, and their response has basically been "good luck." I don't expect them to financially support us. But I guess I expected more concern about their almost 22 year old son having absolutely nothing saved and relying on his girlfriend to cover things.

We've only been living together for 3 months, and I'm already seriously considering moving back home. Part of me feels like I should give this more time because we've been together for almost 5 years. I don't want to throw away that much history after only 3 months of living together. But at the same time, I'm honestly miserable. He promised me we'd go to the gym 4 nights a week, that hasn't happened either or it's been me going to the gym solo.

I keep wondering if living together has just exposed a side of him that I didn't have to deal with when we were long distance. I love him. I don't expect him to make as much money as me, and I don't expect him to suddenly become a completely different person overnight. It's the fact that we agreed to split things 50/50, and I'm not actually experiencing a 50/50 relationship financially. I don't want to be his provider. I don't want to be his parent. I don't want to constantly remind another adult to take care of his responsibilities.

For people who have been in financially abusive relationships, does this sound familiar? How did you handle it when your partner started relying on you financially? And at what point did you decide that the situation wasn't going to change?