New struggles ~1.5 years post-accident

Hello everyone,

I’ve never really posted anything this personal on Reddit but I figured I’d give it a shot. I was in a really bad motorcycle accident in April 2025. I don’t remember it, I don’t remember my time in hospitals, and I remember very little of my inpatient rehab time. All I get is stories from friends and family.

These stories include things that are hard to deal with. I was very mean in rehab. My caretakers had to wear face shields because I spat on them. I tried to escape with violence. I destroyed my room. People I don’t remember at the hospital tell me I was so mean to them.

When I first was released I was so happy and grateful for everything. Being in a miserable situation felt like a gift because I was alive to experience it. My therapy sessions have never been super productive because I was always just happy and grateful. But now that I’m getting used to the freedom, I’m hitting some new roadblocks.

1.) It’s extremely uncomfortable to know there’s an aggressive, mean person inside of me that is being veiled by some brain filters that are now up and running. I’ve always thought I was an inherently kind and nice person, but now it feels like it’s just a tool my brain uses to survive socially and there’s something darker inside I never knew about.

2.) The blank space in my brain. It’s been hard for me to see people I don’t remember meeting and realizing I negatively impacted their lives. I don’t have any fear of motorcycles because I didn’t really experience the consequences of the accident. It sometimes feels like I’m just living someone else’s life because of this big void in my memory.

3.) Pointlessness. When I used hallucinogenics as a kid I experienced a similar kind of feeling of how small and insignificant my life was but it had a positive connotation. I’m now experiencing a similar sensation but it’s negative. Like my whole reality and personality can dissappear or change entirely with a whack to the head. People I love dearly can no longer matter to me if some cells in brain get jumbled up. It’s left me with this weird feeling that nothing really matters and I’m having a hard time shaking it. Having time off work and doing things I love still feels good, but almost empty and pointless in a way.

I know I need to go to therapy. I probably need to find a new therapist because I never feel comfortable enough with her to speak so introspectivly, I would just feel bad going to someone else because she was with me since the accident. I reached out to a support group coordinator today to see if I find that potentially helpful. But for now I figured I’d reach out here to see if anyone has dealth with similar feelings or has any advice. Thank you for reading that essay I wrote.