Transitioning with AuDHD is a Hell Beyond Comprehension

Good afternoon pretty girls,

I'm sure many of you are in the same boat that I am and know how I feel. AuDHD is indescribably frustrating to live with. Every single day and in every aspect of my life I am confronted with barriers constructed within my own mind that are much harder to destroy than erect.

The most frustrating barrier by far though is in regard to my transition. I'm almost 9 months on HRT, which isn't a long time, but I feel like I have not made the most of that time at all. Every single day I wake up planing to maybe practice some makeup or research some hairstyles, measure myself for clothes, create maybe a light beauty routine since I work at a Starbucks and my coworkers would think it's normal for a "man" to wear some light makeup, etc.

I want to research and know everything I can about effectively shaving my legs and face, what products are the best fit for my skin / hair, what styles of clothes would work best on my long torso and somewhat wide-ish sternum. I want to look into possibly getting some tattoos that would help define my figure in more feminine ways. Et cetera et fucking cetera.

I know I don't have to do all of these things in a day, I know I can do them little by little and piece by piece, and, in ways, I kind of have. I have a shade of foundation that works for me, at least fairly well. I know the haircut that I want, I think. I know what I want to be for Halloween and have started to get things for that. But I could have done more. I could be so much further along than I am.

I can barely do my own makeup, eyeliner is a complete no. I wish I could do that. I say I want to practice but I just never find the time in between queuing for League games and playing Pokemon rom hacks, assuming I'm not at work or doing schoolwork or talking to my girlfriend (which I ofc love to do).

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, transitioning is the most important thing I have ever done and I don't prioritize the steps toward the goals I want to accomplish because they're hard and take time and effort away from my dopamine factories. It's also fucking expensive and I can't stop buying fast food every day. I have the money, technically, but I wanna pay off my credit card debt before I go for laser, and I pay a bit off then I run it back up rinse and repeat, you know how it goes.

I'm just frustrated and alone and scared and annoyed with myself and the world and for being born the way I was. I'd never, ever want to be cisgender. I love being trans. But I hate, hate, hate being autistic and having ADHD. Thanks for listening or if you skipped to the end hi ILY or whatever.