feeling ostracized almost makes me regret transitioning altogether

not sure if this is allowed on here, if not i'll take it down.

for context, i'm a 21yo binary trans man.

i'l look at cis people, especially cis women, and can't help but think i made my life so much harder than it had to be if i had just stayed a cis woman like them. seeing cis guys makes me dysphoric because i'm so short and skinny, and weirdly as i've become more masculine (i'm almost 1.5 years on T) i've started to get somewhat "dysphoric", if you could call it that, looking at cis women as well.

i used to be insanely dysphoric as a preteen, tried to just be a girl for a bit and it wasn't terrible, but when my mom finally let me cut my hair short at 16 i figured that was my shot to finally just transition after years of wanting it so badly. hrt has made me happy and my recent top surgery has given me a lot of freedom i didn't have before, but a part of me still thinks if my body had conformed to female beauty standards a little better, maybe i wouldn't have transitioned. maybe i just didn't like my boobs because they looked weird, not because i hated the idea of boobs.

i think a part of this boils down to the massive amounts of transphobia in the world lately, and on the internet especially. i think my brain has read so many transphobic remarks that i've internalized that i should never have transitioned and i'll never really be a man. i feel like i'm not man enough to be a man and, because i chose to transition, i can't really be a woman now either.

it's just so confusing because i wanted this desperately for a decade, and now that i've actually gotten to where i wanted to be, it doesn't seem like it makes me as happy as i thought it would. it's really impacting me mentally and i can't look at a woman without thinking that i could've been "normal" like her if i just didn't make the choices that i've made.

before anyone mentions it, i am not in therapy and have no interest in being in therapy. i have tried it a couple times and it is just not for me, i've worked through my issues on my own my whole life and i intend to keep doing it. i just wanted to talk about this because i've never seen another trans person having this experience and it's just really isolating.