I don't Wana feel better

TW SH/SUICIDE ATTEMPT/GROOMING

Hi you can call me Straw(he/him), i'd like to start by apologizing if my English isn't perfect it isn't my first language. I also want to apologize if my story is a bit messy I never told it before so I don't really how to place things.

The reason I'm writing this here today is cuz i genuinely don't know how to deal with life anymore but yet if it makes sens I don't want to keep trying I don't want to feel better.

I think I was 12 the first time I sh j can't remember the exact reason why I did it but I know it wasn't planned: I was in the school bathroom took visors out of my pencil case and started to scratch my left forearm. Ofc it didn't do much but this feeling if letting was something I never felt like before.

As long as I can remember I've always coped with big émotions with pain. Anger? Bite my self. Frustration? Smashed my head against wall and pulled my hair. So ye I think pain and we'll sh was like the easy solution

It escalates rapidly, I started to cut with a cutter but I don't want anyone to notice so I did it on the thighs, then around 15, 3years after the first time I started to use a blade. It felt good.

I soon became addicted, for a whole year it was all that would go through my brain, any day, any hour, I just waited for the moment if day when I could drag the blade across my skin.

I ended in a bad like BAD relationship (15yo-21yo) and it made the cutting worse cuz for the first time I went further than "cat scratches". To be honest I didn't even think it was possible to before I ended in a gore addiction. At this point I didn't even consider it cutting if it was "cat scratches".

The first attempt happened. I can't remember the reason clearly I just remember being in my bathtub and cutting as hard and as deep as I could my thigh skin, there was a lot of blood but I didn't die.

After this event the cutting calmed, it was less frequent.

From my 16yo to my 18yi my relationship with sh stayed with phase were I would relapse for a whole week and the. Nothing for 3 month, I don't think the addiction ever left me, so I got rid of the blade. It wasn't like I wanted to stop no never, but I was aware of how hurting it was for my partner to see me destroy myself like that.

It has been 3 months now and I was doing okay. But for the last 3weeks my mind can't stop, I daydream of cutting myself, I fantasy about it, I cant wait for the next time I'll do it.

So bought new blades yesterday. They are still in my bad and I don't know it I'll even use them.

Honestly idk how to end this post or if it even need an end cuz I am really not over with this shit. All I know is despite seeing a psychologist I can't bring myself to tell her about all the stuff in my mind and I don't even talk about suicidal thoughts that never leave me or this filthy addiction. I just feel like I don't Wana feel better I just want keep destroying myself until I can't no more

So I asked myself would I do a such thing? Do I want attention? But I really don't think it is that, it isn't like I Wana destroy myself so people can see how bad it is and what makes me think it isn't that is the fact that I never want someone to see a relapse, I hide it as much as I can so no one find out, not even my partner, if I cut and want to hide it we have sex in the dark or we simply don't until it heals yk stuff like that , I refuse to show that to anyone it just feels so intimate to feel bad.