The fictional girl

We was 17/18, I’d never dated a girl, only just came out lesbian at the time, she was bisexual but I don’t know if she was out at the time or not.

She opened up about finding me attractive and we started talking, even when I was sleepy I stayed up to keep her company due to her sleep insomnia, we talked and talked and I Tryed to plan a date but she always seemed busy, even when she said she could that day, I ended up crying most nights and then told her how I felt then she removed me.

Then in September the day after my birthday she messaged me again, it was a shock to be honest but I was happy she did, anyways the same outcome happened she didn’t want to meet up but another girl asked me on a date and she got petty with me so out of anger I went on the date, I felt bad tho because I didn’t like the girl and the worst part is the girl new I loved the other.

Anyways time goes by and we broke up and I’m still arguing with the girl I love (the crush) but then she got with a girl and I released the things she called me, fat, stupid, he/she, it broke me, she really was embarrassed by me, it’s been 8 years and I still feel ashamed of my body and mind.

The worst part is I miss the girl before the evil, I Tried going on with my life, work, going out, games, doing everything I could but she still appears in my mind, I look at myself in the mirror and realise I’m not good enough for anyone.

I made a big diversion and apologised to her in November, as she wasn’t the only hurtful one but it turns out she wasn’t bothered as much and was kind, she replied respectfully but like always I say sorry but she never says it, which makes me believe she was never sorry about what she called me, maybe it was a fact.

I feel ashamed to the point I’ve stopped leaving the house, I don’t wanna eat anymore, I just hate what I look like I just wanna be good enough but I don’t think I ever will be, I’m so alone, the worst part is she was the only one I talked to about the abuse, I never told her what was going on but I feel I am now broken.

It’s weird because I know I shouldn’t want her but it’s like my heart does even tho I know it’s a bad idea, we both don’t talk but it’s like I wanna scream but then i remember I’ve always been replaceable.

I just miss the fictional girl I guess and I want her back, I try to see them blue eyes in someone but I can’t, I can’t find or replace her because for some reason she was perfect, why is that?, someone so horrible be the one I care for, I look at myself phone hoping but now I think it’s time to switch it all off.

I just hope she knows I do really care and I hope she’s okay through all her achievements, I made songs and I don’t think she will ever be forgotten, even tho I know she should be, I just miss the nice version so bad but she didn’t want me, she wanted and deserves better then the peace of shit I am.

I miss you plant killer and I don’t know when I’ll stop making playlists and stop the feeling but hopefully I’ll be at peace soon.💘