My Truth

September 25th

There are lessons in these pages, son. But mostly, I write so you can know me.

Lately, I’ve realized I need this as much as you might someday. This is the one place I don’t have to defend myself. The pen doesn’t judge. The paper doesn’t flinch. It takes what I give it and lets me turn the page.

So here’s the truth: I’m scared a lot of the time.

I’m scared of the choices I’ve made, of what I’m doing now, and of what I might still have to do. But it doesn’t stop me. That’s the ugly part. Fear gets me moving. I’ve lived with it so long that some mornings I need that jolt just to get out of bed.

I’m sorry for things I’ve said and done. Some I thought through. Some came out before I could stop them. What haunts me most is how good I’ve become at explaining them away. I can always find a reason, a cause, a need. Just enough to shove the guilt into a dark corner and close the door.

I’ve become someone I used to hate. There are days and sometimes weeks when I can’t stand to look in a mirror. I’m afraid I’ll see my own face, hate it enough to break the glass, and be left standing there among the pieces.

Since the woman I thought was the love of my life moved away, I’ve lost my bearings. She was the one who could pull me back to true north. Now the doubt is so loud I can barely hear anything else. It tells me I’m a fraud. It drowns out the things I still want: love, friendship, freedom. I keep looking for a way forward between the hours when missing her knocks me flat.

Forgive me for putting all of this here, Walker. Someday, when you read it, I want you to know your father told you the truth about himself, even the parts he was ashamed of.

And I need you to believe this part most of all: you are the most important person in my life. I will never hurt you. I will never abandon you. I love you.

I don’t know if I’ll ever stop loving the split-tongue girl. But I will not let what I feel for her take anything away from the love and gratitude I have for you. You are here. You are my son. And whatever else I lose my way through, I will keep finding my way back to you.