My mom passed away on August the 3rd this year and I have never been the same.

May she rest in Heaven, I love her more than anything in this life, she was my mentor, my soul, my confidante and my best friend, I am a part of her and ever since her passing, I have been numb, had blue bruises all over my body from grief, also had panic attacks, a hole-in-the-chest feeling and all the bad symptoms. My family was worried because I only cried when I knew she passed. Then weeks later, I started to be colder, angrier, then finally started crying my souls out. It feels like I'm in an empty room where I'm not allowed to lean onto anything.

I do pray for her every hour, do small meaningful charities in her name, and try to go on, but I just started having bad thoughts that I try to chase away with prayer and reminding myself of all the blessings I have and how she would want to see me carry on. But, the thought just won't go away. I need help to cope with this immense grief especially that in my religion it is strictly forbidden to end one's time on Earth, I'm 33 and she is forever 67.

There is no grief counseling service in my city, I have friends but what can they really do? I know my mother is in a much better place and I've seen it through dreams and signs but, here I am, trying not to be selfish but I love her.

Thank you for reading and for any good help in advance.