toxic female friendships

I need to rant.

You know, the worst kind of friendship fallout is when someone suddenly ambushes you with a list of every grievance/offence they’ve apparently had against you for months or even years… grievances you had absolutely no idea existed because they never once communicated them directly nor honestly to you.

And then you find out that instead of coming directly to you, they’ve been discussing your flaws with the other friend in the group, building this whole narrative about how exhausted they are with you. And somehow it’s framed as, “We didn’t tell you because we were being considerate and understanding of everything you were going through.” But how is that considerate? How am I supposed to fix something I was never given the opportunity to know was hurting you?

Then, after unloading all of these grievances onto me, I wasn’t even given the chance to explain my side because apparently they “didn’t want to hear it” and “didn’t care.” And then I was told I would be blocked immediately. No conversation. No accountability. No apology. No opportunity for mutual understanding. Just ‘here is everything we think is wrong with you. you’re the problem. goodbye.’ And tbh, that felt less like healthy closure and more like an emotional hit-and-run.

And they think that by doing this, they’re the “mature,” “kind” and “considerate” friend. Like what? This is emotional immaturity.

I’m sorry, but avoiding every difficult conversation until you’ve built up enough resentment to unload it all on someone at once is NOT healthy communication.

You can have legitimate grievances with someone. You can decide a friendship isn’t working anymore. You can walk away. But if you never communicate your hurt, privately discuss that person’s flaws with the other friend in the group, build a distorted narrative about them, and then ambush them with the finished verdict while refusing to hear their side, you’re not giving them an opportunity to understand. You’re giving them a sentence!

And I think that’s the part that hurt me the most. Not that the friendship ended (I’m relieved to be out from this toxic dynamic of a trio). It was the realisation that I thought we were having a genuine friendship whilst apparently there was an entire conversation/trial about me that I wasn’t a part of.

They all became the judge, jury and executioner, yet I’m the problem?🫠

And tbh, what hurts even more is feeling like they chose not to communicate because misunderstanding me allowed them to stay the victims, the oh so long-suffering exhausted martyrs who had apparently “put up with” me while I became the problem and the villain in their story.
I just genuinely don’t understand how people can be this cruel to someone they supposedly cared about.

And then, to also weaponise my mental health against me by posting cryptic Facebook posts? That’s very cruel of you. My mental health struggles were being turned into a joke or Facebook content for their victim narrative. Like… you do know I’m actually trying to heal with the help of professionals, right?

How can you claim to be considerate of someone’s mental health while simultaneously using their struggles as part of the story about why they’re the problem? How dare you weaponise my mental health and healing journey against me? Did you really think you sounded so smart?

Girl, no. You sounded so insensitive and ignorant.

And maybe instead of pointing fingers and telling other people to “heal, unlearn and do better,” you should also look at the things you’re still working through in your own life, like your own traumas? But hey, what do I know? Apparently quick healing is something you can just declare yourself to have achieved while travelling around the country on your days off and feeling “at peace.” Girl, be for real.

And the irony is, I’m actually willing to take responsibility for my actions. I’m willing to hear where I got things wrong, apologise, reflect and do better. I just wish they had given me the chance to do that instead of deciding who I was behind closed doors first. I don’t need to be told I was a perfect friend because I know I wasn’t. I just wanted to be treated like a human being who deserved a conversation, not a problem they had already decided needed to be removed.

So screw you both, because no, you don’t get access to my family and my kindness anymore. My husband and I have supported you, helped you, been generous with you and shown up for you because we genuinely cared about you and not because we were keeping score. But that kindness came from trust!

And then to make me feel like I should “think about everything they’ve done for me” as though we’re keeping a friendship scoreboard? I didn’t realise kindness was a competition. I did those things because I loved you and considered you family, not so I could cash them in later. But if we’re going to start tallying who did what for whom, then maybe the friendship was never what I thought it was.

What you both did was so cruel.

You’re in your 30s, stop acting like teenagers!

I thought we were genuinely honest friends, but you had already written a completely different story about me and there is nothing I can do to change that.

But your perception of me doesn’t define me.

I’m sad that your inability to communicate has led to this heartbreak. I hope the ganging up on me was worth it. This definitely showed me more about you two than it ever did about me.

So, goodbye. I still do wish you well despite your cruelty. But never again.