Im tired (huge story + rant)

Hi guys, I just wanted to share about my day today before it went downhill. (Please excuse my grammar mistakes as im not that fluent.)

Fortunately, my day was almost casual, I studied for my tests, did my chores, dressed up for myself, and went out with my mom. The whole day was how we were just attached to our phones and realized that we didn't say a single word to each other. Honestly, I feel like I'm to blame because I'm actually a very studious person, and I have a massive fear of failure, especially when it comes to exams. I'm that type of person to just bring my books and notes everywhere and study like my life depends on it. Its to the point that its part of my life that my mom just got used to me reading instead of spending quality time with each other and chose to leave me with my studies.

While scrolling, I came across multiple stories about friendships and relationships. That tore me up because I am the only child and don’t have a single best friend in the world. I have friends, but they have their own people who they will choose in the room out of everyone.

To give some background, I had a close friend of the opposite gender and we considered each other best friends from grade 8 until we separated 5 months ago. It was purely because he caught feelings for me, and I was really confused and didn't want to lose him if I said no. Did I have any feelings for him? Yes, at some point, but I now believe that our friendship love was stronger than the partners' love. To skip forward, we took our separate paths when I realized how he was falling for a popular girl in our class that "I should not worry about", causing him to date her a week after the breakup..

I like to also mention that I live in a house where my parents do not love each other anymore in which they would constantly use me to send messages to each otber either virtually or in real life. They do not sleep in the same room, and my dad sleeps on the couch while my mom in the parents' room. My mom refuses to get picked up by my dad from work or ask for a ride somewhere that she uses Uber or her sister to do the job. They also make it a habit to bad about each other to me while I secretly cry about it in my room as I could feel their sadness and frustration.

Another big reason why I try to do well on my studies is because the number of times I win awards in ceremonies, the higher the chances that both of my parents will have no choice but to have the effort to get ready and to stay in the same room as me when I receive my reward while cheering together, like before. I always remembered how we would use to go out for dinner to celebrate or when my mom would sit in the passenger seat beside my dad without any arguments and more on laughter. I always remembered how they would go out and buy my presents together for my success. They don't do those anymore. To the point that they would always argue on which days I can hang out with them or not. Every time I flip the calendar, there would be names on who will take me each weekend. We never went out all together ever. Only during my school events (especially the awards one).

Present time now, I came back from home and had a talk with my dad, who just came home from an 8 hour shift. It's a Friday btw but his strict boss decided to make him work overtime even during the weekends. I got a quick look at him, and he was really tired and sleepy, but still had the strength to listen about my day but would always ask me to skip the times when I mentioned about mom. Throughout the talk, I noticed that he completely dozed off, and I realized that he was completely tired. So I fixed up everything in the living room, closed the lights, and put a blanket over him.

I also scrolled on my phone, and it was 12am, I set an alarm for 6am because I wanted to maximize my studies (yes, I know im crazy). However, the whole day was crazy because I woke up at 9am and was disappointed that I didn't wake up earlier than that, so I pushed myself to study more without breaks to make up for lost study time. But before I slept.. I started crying? I dont know why? Maybe because im on my period? Im having emotional mood swings maybe? But I just kept on crying and just scrolling until I came across a reel about someone who is scared of losing their parents. That tore me because I cried harder and harder.

I'm tired. Im really tired. I hate how my whole life is just all about studying. I hate how I dont have a single best friend. I hate how my only friend betrayed me. I hate how my parents dont love each other. I hate how I always have to worry about money. I hate having to always compare myself. I hate how I am living like this. I can't live without my family. I cant live without my mom or dad and I dont know how I can keep this up forever. Its 2am right now and I will try to study later but I can't. Im so sick and tired of relieving this cycle.

I hate seeing my ex and her being all lovey dovey. I hate how my parents can't even talk to each other. I hate seeing my marks dropping from a perfect score to 20 mistakes all because I cant concentrate. I cant live without my parents because im 17 years old and they are around their 50's to 60s im not ready for anything that is to happen. I'm not ready to become an adult next year. I didnt enjoy my childhood nor my teenage years. When will I finally be happy or get the life I deserve?

Im losing myself and I dont know what to do.