I liked my close guy friend, he confessed, and now I don’t know if my feelings disappeared or if everything just became too overwhelming 21F/21M

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I’m 21F and this whole situation is with a guy from my university batch. I’ll call him Evan.

This is going to be long because this didn’t start with one confession. There were months of friendship, teasing, jealousy, other people interfering, mixed signals, and then everything suddenly became way too intense.

Evan and I are in the same university batch, studying the same degree.

We were friends before anything romantic was openly said between us. We were comfortable enough with each other that I would sometimes go to campus in his car. That was already normal between us before he confessed feelings for me, which becomes relevant later.

Our batch also has a lot of intertwined friendships, and unfortunately a lot of romantic drama too.

There is another guy in my batch, Ryan, who has liked me for years. I have rejected him multiple times and I have never considered him an option romantically. He has written things about me, spread rumours, and at one point apparently tried to fight Evan because of me.

That affected my friendship with Evan.

For a while, Evan actually started avoiding me on campus.

We would basically ignore each other even though we had previously been friends, and it genuinely hurt me because I didn’t understand why our friendship had to disappear because another guy liked me.

Later, Evan explained that he had been trying to avoid drama and rumours. He told me he wanted peace and didn’t want problems with Ryan.

Eventually he said he wouldn’t avoid me anymore. He also said that if Ryan created another problem, he wouldn’t just quietly distance himself from me again.

And somewhere in all of this, my feelings toward Evan started changing.

At first I wasn’t even completely admitting it to myself, but I started really liking him.

There was another complication: one of my female friends, Maya, also liked him.

Some of the girls from the hostel seemed to be rooting for Maya and Evan together, so I felt guilty for liking him. At one point I was genuinely worried that liking him meant I was betraying her somehow, even though neither of them was in a relationship.

Meanwhile, Evan and I kept having these little interactions that did not exactly feel platonic.

He teased me a lot.

He would say things that sounded possessive or strangely romantic and then continue acting like we were just friends.

He once said something along the lines of taking me to his home and not letting me go back.

Another time he told me he wouldn’t ask me before taking me. \[flirting obviously\]

He told me he felt lonely when I wasn’t there.

He told me he missed me when I wasn’t around.

There were also moments where people would comment on me or my personality and he would defend me, basically saying, “Don’t you like her as she is?”

There was another moment where marriage came up jokingly and he responded with something like “not yet,” which obviously made my brain go ????

He also seemed jealous about other guys.

He later actually admitted that he got jealous when I interacted with boys and said that what I had seen was only part of his jealousy.

At another point he said he would allow me to be with anyone except Ryan.

Obviously I know nobody gets to “allow” me to date anyone, but I’m including it because it shows what the dynamic was becoming.

Then there was a group outing to an attraction.

A few of us went together: me, Evan, Maya, another male friend, and some others from our circle.

That day confused the absolute hell out of me.

At one point Evan asked me to introduce him to my best friend and said he liked her.

So naturally I thought, okay???

Maybe he likes my best friend.

Except his behaviour toward me during the same period did not match that at all.

One of my male friends and I were joking around and holding hands, and Evan physically separated our hands.

That same friend also talked about finding me a boyfriend, and Evan basically objected to that idea.

Later, Evan told him not to show me other boys.

And after that, the whole thing about liking my best friend basically disappeared. He stopped seriously mentioning her.

I later learned that some of our mutual friends already knew how much Evan liked me.

So I still don’t completely understand what the conversation about my best friend was supposed to be. Maybe teasing, maybe hiding his feelings, maybe testing a reaction. I genuinely don’t know.

Around this time I was becoming more attached to him.

He would post romantic lyrics and sometimes the timing or context made me wonder whether they were about me.

I started missing him when he wasn’t around.

I remember thinking that I genuinely loved him.

But even while feeling that strongly, I had a huge issue in the back of my mind:

I was not ready for a relationship.

I have never been in a relationship before. I’ve never had a boyfriend. I take relationships extremely seriously and I’ve always had this idea that I would want my first serious relationship to eventually be the person I marry.

So for me, liking someone does not automatically mean, “Okay, let’s date tomorrow.”

Then everything became more complicated because Evan found out that I liked him before I was ready to tell him myself.

One of my closest friends lives in another country. Evan had already asked her whether I liked him.

She basically ratted me out and told him that I did.

So by the time Evan asked me directly, he already knew the answer.

That put me in a really awkward position because I felt like I couldn’t exactly deny something he had already been told.

So I admitted that, yes, I liked him.

I want to make this very clear because it matters to me:

I did not confess because I was ready to start a relationship.

I confessed because he already knew I had a crush on him and directly confronted me about it.

And even when I admitted it, I was very clear that I was not ready for a relationship.

I also told him very clearly that he should move on.

I told him that I could not give him a guarantee that I would eventually be ready for him, or that my feelings would stay the same.

I even told him that if being around me was too difficult and he needed to distance himself from me, I would be sad because I valued our friendship, but I would respect that decision.

I genuinely meant that.

I did not want him waiting around for me.

But he didn’t distance himself.

And he didn’t move on either.

He stayed around me.

He continued waiting.

And that is part of what has made this situation so confusing for me emotionally.

Because I still like him enough that being around him can stir those feelings back up, but I am still not ready to actually proceed with a relationship or give him any guarantee about the future.

So I feel stuck in this weird middle ground where I have feelings, but I also know I’m not ready to act on them.

Then Evan eventually confessed that he loved me.

And because he already knew I liked him, I admitted that I liked him too.

Apparently he had liked me for months. In later conversations he said he had been waiting roughly five or six months while we were at university.

So suddenly all the weird jealousy, teasing, avoiding, comments about other guys, and mixed signals made a lot more sense.

And I was happy.

I genuinely was.

There was a day we walked together after that and I held onto his elbow/arm, and I remember getting butterflies.

I liked being close to him.

I liked the way he looked at me.

There were moments where I thought he was really handsome, especially when I saw him interacting naturally with everyone else.

He has this dimple I find ridiculously cute.

I liked his mannerisms.

I liked that he felt familiar and comfortable.

The problem was that even after admitting I liked him, I still told him very clearly that I was not ready for a relationship.

I didn’t promise him that we would definitely date later either.

I told him that my feelings could change by the time I eventually became ready.

Because that is the truth.

I didn’t want him putting his entire life on hold based on feelings I could not guarantee.

But he kept saying he would wait.

At one point he said he would wait even four years.

Initially that might sound romantic, but eventually it started feeling like pressure.

Because instead of me simply being allowed to say, “I like you but I am not ready,” it started feeling like there were only two paths:

either I eventually become his girlfriend,

or he waits around indefinitely for me.

And I didn’t want that responsibility.

Another thing that upset me was finding out that he had told some people from our batch that I liked him.

I want to be clear that I am not embarrassed about liking him.

I don’t really care if people know.

That wasn’t the issue.

The issue was that he told people while knowing perfectly well that I had also told him I was not ready to start a relationship.

To me, that made it feel like only half the story was being shared.

People could hear “she likes him too” and naturally assume that meant we were basically heading toward a relationship, when I had repeatedly told him that I was not ready and that I could not promise anything.

That made me angry.

It wasn’t the fact that people knew about my feelings.

It was the fact that the context mattered, and I felt like the most important part of the context was missing.

Another thing that adds to the pressure is that there are around three other guys in my batch who seem to be interested in me.

I’m not encouraging any of them, and honestly I would rather just be able to have normal friendships without every interaction turning into some romantic situation.

But Evan gets really jealous of them.

Sometimes I can understand a little jealousy when you like someone, but the way he reacts can make me uncomfortable because we are not actually in a relationship.

There are moments where he seems bothered if I talk to another guy, spend time with someone else, or even if another guy shows interest in me.

And that puts me in this strange position where I feel like I’m being treated as though I’m already his girlfriend, while at the same time I have repeatedly told him that I am not ready to be one.

I don’t want to feel like I have to monitor how I talk to my own classmates just to avoid making him jealous.

I also don’t want to feel guilty because other guys happen to like me. That isn’t something I can completely control, and I’ve never promised Evan exclusivity.

Sometimes his jealousy can make the whole situation feel even heavier because instead of me naturally figuring out how I feel about him, I start feeling watched or pressured.

And there is another thing I’ve been thinking about more lately.

Sometimes I feel like Evan and I just don’t have that many mutual interests.

There are things I enjoy, things I get excited about, and certain ways I think about life that don’t always seem to match his interests or personality.

Obviously two people don’t need to like every single thing in common to have a good relationship, and differences can actually be healthy.

But sometimes when I imagine actually dating him long-term, I wonder whether we genuinely connect enough beyond the attraction, comfort, teasing and feelings.

That makes me question myself even more because I can like him as a person and still wonder whether we are actually compatible romantically.

And when I combine that uncertainty with his jealousy, the other guys in our batch, and the pressure of him waiting for me, it makes me pull away instead of wanting to move closer.

Then there was another group outing where we went to see a movie.

At first we were seated separately, but I eventually moved and sat next to Evan because, again, I did like him.

While we were sitting together, he held my hand and touched my face, neck and ear.

Here’s where things become complicated emotionally.

Part of me liked being touched by him because I liked him.

But at the same time, I did not want what was happening in that moment.

I told him no.

And he did not stop immediately.

That bothered me.

A lot.

Because liking someone doesn’t mean I automatically consent to whatever physical affection they want.

And enjoying some part of someone’s touch doesn’t erase the fact that I said no.

After that day, something in me started pulling backwards.

I became extremely stressed about the entire situation.

Suddenly this thing that had once given me butterflies felt heavy.

He still wanted a relationship.

He continued saying that if I wasn’t ready now, he could wait for years.

But instead of that reassuring me, it made me feel trapped by an expectation I had never asked him to carry.

Eventually I reached this strange emotional place where two things were true at the same time:

I liked him.

And:

I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the romantic situation anymore.

That confused me because I thought those feelings contradicted each other.

I started wondering if I was horrible for admitting that I liked him and then pulling away.

But I hadn’t lied when I told him I liked him.

I really did.

My feelings just started changing once everything became intense.

Eventually I told him what was happening in my head.

I basically told him that I didn’t want us to act like strangers.

Before any confession or romantic situation, he had been my good friend.

I didn’t want the choice to become:

relationship or nothing.

I wanted to be able to say, “I cannot give you a relationship,” while still treating each other normally and respectfully.

I also told him again that if he genuinely needed distance from me in order to move on, I would be sad, but I would respect it.

Instead, he stayed around me and continued waiting.

And that keeps stirring up feelings I’m actively trying not to make promises about.

I don’t want to tell him to disappear because I care about him as a person and as a friend.

But I also don’t want him standing beside me emotionally waiting for some future version of me to finally say yes.

That puts pressure on both of us.

Then I had another practical problem.

Remember how I said I used to go to campus in his car?

That started before he confessed.

After everything happened, I didn’t even know whether I should still go with him.

I wondered whether sitting in his car would give him the wrong idea.

I even considered skipping campus completely because the emotional tension felt that uncomfortable.

By this point I noticed something else that scared me a little:

my romantic feelings were fading.

Fast.

Sometimes when I saw him in a group, doing his own thing, I found him attractive again.

Then when we were very close or when the relationship pressure came back, I suddenly didn’t.

The best way I can explain it is that he felt comfortable, but something inside me kept saying:

“Something isn’t right.”

And then I realized something even more telling.

I imagined him meeting another girl and moving on.

And instead of feeling devastated…

I felt relieved.

That was when I started thinking that maybe whatever romantic feeling I had for him was disappearing.

And I feel guilty about that.

Because this guy apparently liked me for months.

....

And eventually my brain just seemed to go:

I’m done.

The weirdest thing is that I don’t hate him.

I still care about him.

He was my friend before any of this happened.

There were genuinely sweet moments between us.

And I don’t think admitting that I liked him was a mistake, because it was true when I said it.

But I also don’t want to force myself to maintain romantic feelings just because he has stronger feelings for me.

I’m also realizing that saying “I like you” is not a contract.

It doesn’t mean I promised to date him.

It doesn’t mean I owe him a relationship later.

And “I’ll wait for you” does not automatically create an obligation for me to eventually reward that waiting by becoming his girlfriend.

Especially when I literally told him to move on.

I’m allowed to not be ready.

I’m allowed to change my mind.

And I’m allowed to care about someone while realizing I don’t actually want a relationship with them right now.

Still, because we are in the same university batch and have the same friends, this isn’t someone I can simply erase from my life and never see again.

So I’m stuck wondering what the healthiest way forward is.

Did I lead him on by admitting I liked him when he already knew through my friend, even though I repeatedly said I wasn’t ready for a relationship, told him to move on, and even told him I would respect it if he needed to distance himself?

And is it normal for feelings to keep coming back when someone stays close to you, even though you know you are not ready to proceed or give them any guarantee?

Because at this point, more than anything, I just want my university life to feel peaceful again.