19 years of life

I just wanna talk a bit. I've been drifting from a lot of my friends lately and I don't wanna bug anybody at this hour lol. I've been staying up really late recently. Not cause of school, but just cause it's something I can control. On that note, I haven't been eating well either, always eating way too much or not at all. I'm glad I never fell into the habbit of cutting myself, though that's just cause my dad said he'd kill me slowly if I did. I got threatened a lot growing up. I think my stepmother was jealous of me being my dad's youngest(in that household(until she babytrapped him)), and my dad just wanted to smooth things out, so he always sided with the one who had any sort of power in our relationship and made everything my fault. Did I not want to eat something I've reminded them plently of tines I can't eat without vomitting? My fault. Did I ask for some alone time so that I could cool off after a long day at school and get annoyed when my family won't respect it? My fault. Did I get told that I'm unlovable? My fault. I wasn't even allowed to express any emotion other than joy. I never got to learn how to work through emotions or see things better or whatever. I just learned to bottle everything and forget it before I get beat or just outright bullied. It's really funny to me now when I think back on it, but my parents used to just bully me. They'd always tell me that I'm nothing but a hole in their pockets, an agressive monster, an idiot, and a greedy, ungrateful leach. I still don't know how to love. I get sick whenever someone says they love me, that they care about me, or even just compliment me in some way. I grew so used to being a monster that being around people who don't hate me for existing feels weird. I always feel like everyone in the room is watching me, judging me, searching for any negative point so that they can make me out to be something I'm not. I hate myself. I hate myself so much that I don't know how anyone could love me. I don't know how anyone could see me as anything but the monster my parents saw whenever they looked at me.