My boyfriend was speaking to a female friend I asked him to cut off a year ago, I don’t know how to feel.

20 m and 22 f

Hello,

So I’m in a long distance relationship and recently I was going through my boyfriends phone because I felt really anxious. We were previously having some issues, I mean we broke up for a few months and got back together. it was mostly because I was very toxic and hurt him with words, so he left. During the time we were apart, he had a gf and he had also gotten with some other people. I also got with 1 person but ended up proving to him that i’d change and wanted to be together again. Anyway, I’ve always felt insecure and non trusting because of prior trauma so I snooped.

I found out he was talking to one of his female friends for a year. When we started dating, I asked him to cut off anyone he’s ever hooked up with/dated and to block them all. okay, maybe this was extreme. i was really insecure at the time i will admit and even cried about it. he told me one of them was a friend he was not necessarily close with, but was one of his only friends at the time because he worked in a sector where his coworkers were mainly older and so he felt like at least with her they could talk about stuff that’s closer in their age. i still asked him to cut it off because when they met it started of as something casually romantic and they hooked up before but then agreed to be friends.

I didn’t like that, so I asked for it to be over. He blocked her but then a few months later I saw he unblocked her on instagram and he says he was sorry but she wished him happy birthday and he didn’t want to be rude and cut her off with no explanation because she didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t care and felt betrayed, so I unfortunately got really drunk that night and felt angry so I argued with him and he ended up crying on his birthday. I felt really bad about it.

Well, he ended up apologizing and blocking her again but to my surprise they ever actually stopped talking. I saw messages from September 2025 where she asks “is she gone yet” and he says “yes sorry i’ve been trying to get back into my routines you’re probably asleep but please text me”. I think this is when they first reconnected again and it seemed like he sent her some texts before that were deleted where he was probably saying sorry for blocking her and such. Anyway, the conversation seems really straight forward and casual, but what struck to me was:

Her: \\\[when asked about how she’s doing and she mentions she just moved to a city a few hours away\\\] “I’m really enjoying my new flat, but my roommate is leaving for a month so I know I’ll get lonely”

Him: “aw at least you still have your friend who’s visiting! I’m also doing okay, just figuring out life. And trying to figure out how I can come down and say hi hehe, let’s see the flat!”

After this she just says yes you gotta come visit and he says what are you up to now and that he has missed her. Then she asks how his vacation was me, he says it went good and that he’ll show her photos during his work break and he’ll tell her everything once he has time.

That’s pretty much all I saw, I don’t know if i’m being insecure and overthinking but I was really upset seeing this. When I confronted him he said he was really sorry, that it was a while ago and they would really talk only a few days every few months but that at the time he had not many friends and that we were struggling a lot so he felt like he really needed someone to talk to other than me. He also said they were just friends, that he never visited her (which is true I couldn’t find proof of tickets or anything), and that he was afraid of telling me because I wouldn’t let him have female friends at all and that I would judge his friends in the first place.

This was true, I was jealous and didn’t like when he had friends who were women. I would also sometimes judge his friends and it ended up in him not telling me what he was doing or when he’d go out as a result. He says he didn’t see the problem because there’s no feelings there, and that he only loves me, that he understands it wasn’t right but that at the time he was begging to talk to anyone to be told things were okay but his friends would tell him to break up with me because of how I treated him at the time.

And so he says he eventually cut her off sometime in January right when we broke up, because she started getting rude and was saying stuff about me he didn’t like and want to hear because he still loved me despite being broke up. i don’t know what to believe. When I confronted him actually, he also went missing. I had to call the police and they found him by the shore attempting to take his life. This was really scary, he sent me a message before saying he can’t live knowing he hurts me and that he didn’t want to live as a liar because I got upset he lied about not talking to her anymore.

I have friends that I’ve kissed before or who have had crushes on me and he doesn’t care and trusts me. But I think I felt really jealous because they hooked up, and they had a fling for a bit. I can’t ever understand being mutual with someone you once liked, but I also know people are different. I changed now since we started dating again, and he had to make a lot of sacrifice to be together again such as breaking up with his ex and losing his friends since they were disappointed he got back with me. But I don’t know, because it felt mildly flirtatious of a text to me? I don’t know if I just leave this in the past, and take it as a result of how I previously was. Or if I should be suspicious of something else happening there :/.