Disappointed that my therapist probably won’t check on me

Right now I am doing quite bad, as I am on a what I would call self destructive path. I had an appointment with my therapist and I told her that right now I don’t wanna be in therapy, as I wanna continue with harm and wanna just feel worse in general. I really hope this doesn’t seem stupid, I am not suicidal right now and also told her this. I had to shake her hand and promise her that I won’t commit suicide.

Tbh I don’t know why I told her I don’t wanna be in therapy. I mean yeah, I really wanna see how deep I can push myself, but it also would have been nice, if she insisted on me coming back. But she didn’t. She told me that there are options to get better and then we spilt.

I know this sounds so pathetic, but will she check on me again? I feel so lost, lonely and bad right now. I don’t think that I can get better on my own, but I also don’t wanna go back to him now. I am disappointed that therapist really seem like they don’t care at all. I am a mess I guess.