11.5 year marriage, feels like it’s really ending

Preface: this is MESSY.

My husband and I are both men in our 30s and have been together for 11 years, married for about 3. We own a home together, have two dogs, and until this year I genuinely thought we would spend our lives together.

This year has been an absolute mess.

The biggest issue on my side of the marriage was alcohol. I hid the extent of my drinking from him for years, which badly damaged his trust in me and our relationship. I entered treatment at the end of May and just hit 4 months sober. I’m in AA, have a sponsor, work the steps, and have been taking my recovery seriously. I know getting sober doesn’t erase the damage I caused, and I’m not trying to pretend I was a perfect husband.

Around the same time, my husband entered residential mental health treatment. When I first went in, he decided he wanted a divorce. Later, he changed his mind and agreed to give our marriage another chance. Since then, though, things have been extremely unstable.

There have been hookups and other men involved, both him alone when he was divorcing me as well as together the last couple of months. We opened the marriage with specific boundaries because I thought giving him room to explore sexually, which he wanted, might actually reduce some of the pressure around our relationship. The sex itself honestly doesn’t bother me much.

The much bigger issue now is that he recently developed an intense emotional connection with another married man he met online. They’ve only known each other for less than two weeks, have never met in person, and live in different states, but they talk constantly, game together for hours, call each other “babe,” say “I love you,” have been sexual online, and have talked about a future together. The other man is also apparently unhappy in his own marriage, and seems to be talking about ending things with his husband to be with mine, which my husband is now completely feeding into and reciprocating. Idk how serious the other guy is or if he’ll truly follow through.. time will tell.

Meanwhile, my husband is currently traveling in Europe with a friend. He’s told me he doesn’t really see a future for our marriage right now and wants the freedom to explore sexually and figure out what he wants. At the same time, he hasn’t completely shut the door on us either, or yet at least.

Before he left, the plan was to start marriage counseling when he returned. I was finally able to get the referral and booked our first appointment for the day after he’s supposed to return. As far as I know, he’s still willing to attend, although he’s also talked with this other man about potentially flying to meet him around the same time instead of coming home after the Europe trip.

My husband has said that if we try again, he doesn’t want to simply go back to our old marriage. He wants to essentially start over as friends and see whether we can build something new. I actually agree with that. I don’t want our old marriage back either. I want the opportunity to see whether two people with 11 years of history can build a healthier relationship now that I’m sober and we’re both addressing our individual issues.

The hard part is that I’m still completely in love with him, while he seems emotionally detached from me and intensely attached to someone he’s known online for only 12 days at the time of writing this.

I’m trying not to make the question “Do you choose me or this other guy?” When he gets home, what I really want to know is simply whether he’s willing to genuinely attend counseling with me and explore whether there’s still something here before either of us makes a permanent decision.

I also understand that loving him doesn’t guarantee this can be saved, and I’m trying to prepare myself for the possibility that it can’t.

I’m especially interested in hearing from people who went through anything similar, long marriage/relationship, one spouse convinced or nearly convinced they wanted out, separation or emotional detachment, another person involved, etc.

Did any of you actually reconcile from a situation that looked this bad?

If you did, what ultimately changed? Did the spouse who wanted out eventually become invested again, or was counseling initially something they attended while still unsure?

And for people who tried to reconcile but ultimately divorced, what happened that made you realize it wasn’t going to work?

I’m not really looking for “just divorce him” or “fight for your marriage at all costs.” I’m trying to hear real experiences from people who have actually been in this kind of limbo, especially anyone whose spouse initially didn’t seem to want the marriage but later genuinely chose to rebuild it.