I believe it’s all over for me

im not trying to be dramatic when I say everyone leaves me. Whenever I make a friend I tell them if they want to leave tell me why so I can learn and change myself. I had my best friend for four years. I told him that same thing. Four years he had me believe I finally had a friend. He was the first person to ever tell me he loved me and the first person to tell me hes proud of me. Monday night I told him I loved him (platonically) which was big because I struggle with intimacy after being abandoned by my ENTIRE family. But this week I’ve been quieter and talking to him less, struggling with suicidal thoughts. This morning I had a really horrible nightmare where I woke up and I was blocked on everything. In the dream I tried calling him and someone else replied, joking that he was dead and then hung up. When I woke up, I checked and I was blocked on everything. Even games we played together. I’m not blocked on Spotify so it’s where I’ve been asking for him to talk to me, but he hasn’t replied. I called him on someone else’s phone and someone answered and said they dont know him while laughing even though they could hear me crying. I don’t even know if I’m awake right now honestly. But losing my only friend was my last straw. I’ve been contemplating it for so long, but being abandoned by the only person I’ve ever loved is just too much for me. This is honestly something I don’t see myself ever coming back from. And I have no clue what to do. When I go, I want someone to call him and tell him. Not to tell him it’s his fault, because it isn’t. Not to rub it in his face. I just want him to know. but I feel like it’s guilt tripping. I feel like that’s a horrible thing to do. But if I survive it there’s a chance he’d come back if he knew, even if it was just to say goodbye to me and leave again. because really all I want is closure. He’s allowed to leave I just want to know why and to say goodbye because I love him so much. I literally feel like I’m in a coma and my coma dream just keeps repeating itself over and over in different ways to make it realistic.