I just pushed the only person that ever loved me

I waited my entire life for the chance of knowing what love was and to feel love for another person then I met him out of nowhere when I accepted that I would never be able to experience any of that after all the pain I had endured my 37 years on this earth I finally found it and I just pushed it away because I’m so broken and blinded with fear and anxiety that i suffocated him and couldn’t just leave things alone that were not a thing but I made them a thing now I lost him and I am left alone unwanted and hating myself and don’t know how to pick myself up