I can’t take it anymore… I can’t take it (work)

I work as a high level executive for a company. I am well compensated but underpaid for my roll. While I am appreciative of the money I make the CEO is a fucking asshole.

We are having amazing year after amazing year, and I obviously want to be treated fairly for the work I have done to help the company grow. Twice I have gone in to ask for a raise, both times explaining why it’s deserved and how I can continue to help the company grow.

Both times I have been met with the same batshit crazy response.

The first time he made up a story about me missing work on New Year’s Eve and him being there and having to stay late due to an issue in my department and how much it upset him.

Fair enough, but there is one big problem with his story… I was there that day and fixed the issue and he was not. I thought perhaps he was mistaken, so I showed him the text exchange between us and him thanking me for taking care of anything and he got weird about it, kept telling me not to be defensive.

I got the raise a few months later… fair enough.

Today I went in,.. it’s been eighteen months without a raise so I asked again. He says he would do it but he doesn’t like how I handled an issue with a vendor. He says that he asked me to be more stern with them, to threaten to sue them for being late and I didn’t do that.

Except I did, in fact he was in the meeting with me, the company explained that they couldn’t deliver on time, but I negotiated a seeming fair plan to recoup our lost money which he thanked me for.

I told him that what I was saying was inaccurate and he couldn’t even look me in the eye when he said that if I don’t want to do what he asks I don’t have to do it but don’t expect a raise.

I pulled the meeting notes up to show him in teams and same thing… stop being defensive. I just went back to my office and slammed the door and sat there for the rest of the day.

Obviously this is about more than money. In my life I was heavily abused by a maniac like this in the past. This once again triggered all of that, having this fucking weirdo gaslight me and make me doubt the reality around me.

I want to quit, but I can’t, I have a family that depends on the money. Driving home I punched myself in the face as hard as I could… I’m probably just going to OD tonight.