Ketamine infusions are hard

Me during k infusion: i fucking hate this i hate i have to do this i hate these infusions i hate ketamine

Me right after: oh i feel a lot better, pain is much better, i now remember outside of that room life is really awesome and wonderful.

If only i could remember during infusions that my entire life is not just that grey room hooked up to an iv pumping enough ketamine to knock a not tolerate person out for hours. If only i could remember the nihilism and sorrow and pain i feel only lasts 4 hours. But the ketamine forces time dilation, so during those 4 hours it feels like my entire life was that room. Its only once a month but its like all my memories from past infusions come back, while memories of not being hopped up on k drift away from me. Its really weird that i relate heavily to the show Severance. I don't remember much of my infusions when im not in them, but when im in them i dont remember much of my regular life. A part of me is trapped in that place till i come back next month, and i don't know how to free her.