I realised today that I’m evil. Predestined, manifest, poisonous evil.

I’ve been putting the perniciousness that has permeated throughout my life down to extraneous elements. I’ve always strived to be honest with the aspects of my life that could affect others. I haven’t always succeeded but I have tried to give an honest account of myself. When truth matters I believe I’ve honoured my moral commitments more than I have betrayed them. I’ve given advice, supported decisions, worked towards goals that have been directly opposed to my interests because they were right. As sickeningly sanctimonious as this seems it’s been genuine.

On occasion, I have bemoaned the lack of recognition it has gotten. Yet, I’ve never tried to make a show of it. Its authenticity was important to me but I still yearned for recognition. Still, with unwavering inevitability decay found its way into every meaningful relationship. Friends, girlfriends, colleagues, partners, family, not one aspect has been untouched.

I’ve been repeating the adage that if everywhere you go there are problems then you are the problem. On more than one occasion I’ve used a version of the phase to display my culpability in the turmoil I’ve consistently found my way to. But internally I could never reconcile this with my genuine belief in my character. I harboured a suspicion, a lingering resentment that it was other people’s lack of integrity and bare-faced hypocrisy that was the true cause of the perpetual breakdown of relationships. This answer fits so perfectly. It has no untruths in it and it perfectly reflects my concurring belief in my character flaws. The morality aspect is a tangible component to character, it’s an optional extra (the very facet in which its value lies). It’s not me, the moral framework isn’t my own. The only substantive thing I have brought is an adherence to the principles which has been more consistent than not. That’s it. The only decent thing I have brought with me is a compulsion to follow a set of rules more often than not. Yet, it’s something. It has a certain and very real value. Every other aspect of my character is weak which I will not go into in great detail here other than to express that I don’t hold myself above anyone. The assessment of their characters isn’t, at its source a judgement (although I have often used it as one). It’s an observation. Which is a component of this perfect reason for the malaise: it reflects my experience and my flaws against the others; why am I punished, why do I always find myself alone? We all have flaws, but I work hard at mitigating my existence by trying to be a servant in the purest definition of the word. I’m not suggesting that it elevates me to a state of beatification but again, it is something. Something significant.

How perfectly appropriate it all seemed. Until today when I recognised it for the first time. It’s all true, I still now, after this revelation, believe my intentions as mentioned above are pure but it’s my whole that’s evil. I’m not saying it’s a purpose or raison d’être, but it has been my path and it will be my legacy. All this time as I believed I was standing in integrity, however insignificant it may have seemed, I was not fighting a moral battle. I was seeping malevolence insidiously into everyone who got close. I’m not a cancer; I’m worse: there’s an air of intent to this. My sadness and despair are limbs, every aspect of my character and personality promotes potential for hurt and it’s all driven by the “me” this contaminated collection of inequities.

I want to be clear: I’m not suggesting this is an external force that somehow negates my culpability. It’s an attempt to document the revelation as accurately as I can. It’s new but if I’m to give an initial summation it would lean more on this wounded soul personality (what’s widely recognised as Matt/me) as, not only fallacious but, the most malicious and manipulative feature: it’s this aspect that has drawn so many people in. The belief in the purity of my intentions being a delusion that has imitated authenticity.

“Out, damned spot! Out, I say!”

“fly to others that we know not of.”