Just need to vent, feeling sad

I'm only 21. Im 5 weeks along, getting the pill Friday. I'm not entirely sure what to say, I just know I need to vent desperately. I am not at all in any position to have a baby. I cant even tell anyone im pregnant. But I want to be a mother. I know ultimately I'm making the right choice but it doesn't make it any easier. I was fine at first. Cried when the test came back positive and "accepted" (turns out I havent) the outcome. I feel so much regret and guilt for allowing it to happen, for not being more careful. The more I think about it the more devastating it is. It started when I first thought about how it'll be gone in a week. Just like that. I'm so devastated and it hasn't even happened yet but the inevitability of it all is soul crushing. I want a baby. I just cant have one in these circumstances. It wouldn't be fair. It wouldn't be right. I just wish this never happened. I wish I didn't feel this way. I wish it didn't hurt so bad. I lowkey really hate myself rn. I don't want to feel this way. It sucks so badly. My heart hurts so badly and I can't stop crying. I'm scared too. Scared that it won't work, or that something will go wrong. Im feeling a bunch of negative emotions about everything and I don't know how to make it stop. And it's just going to get worse when I actually go through with it. I thought I'd be okay, but I'm not. I'm not okay. I feel like I'm grieving and it's not like I can seek comfort from anyone. It's just me, all alone, with my thoughts and self hatred. I've been so jealous this past year anytime someone in my life had a baby, because I really really do want one. And now here I am, and I can't even keep it. The worst part is I genuinely began to believe I was infertile (ik not the first and not the last to think that.) The thought was devastating. And now here I am wishing I was infertile just so I dont have to deal with this heartbreaking experience. I know I'm ultimately doing the right thing, but it doesnt make it any easier