Why is it so hard for me to pull out the second arrow? I feel I always deserve it.

I do not understand what my issue is. I can understand what the skillful action is, I can understand and even KNOW that I can forgive myself, that I can let the past go of what I have done or felt about myself.

But when it actually comes to doing it, it is extremely sticky and hard to do. I don't deserve to feel better, I tell myself. Especially when I unintentionally hurt others.

But then I understand that the best way to stop hurting, to stop hurting other people and hurting myself, is to be kind toward myself and understand I was in pain. I am doing the best that I can.

But right as I am about to do that, something stops me. I think it is pride, pride at the idea that I could ever not deserve to feel this way or ever deserve forgiveness.

What are the actual mechanics of it being difficult? It feels like breaking a habit.

Every time I relapse into the habit, I feel worse about myself, and so it is even harder to break it next time.

It feels like I just have to grit my teeth and bear it through in order to ever actually make any progress. Maybe that is what I need to do?

I don't know if "forgive" is the right word, but just stopping it feels significantly more painful than continuing to force myself to suffer and feel unworthy. I already know that I am unworthy, but part of me believes I am not.