I Broke My Own Rules & Look At Me Now

I (38f) have been dating my partner, V (44m) for 9 months. V has been married to J (44f) for 21 years.

I have been polyamorous for 20+ years. Since before I had a name for it.

I had a series of really unfortunate breakups between 2018-2020. It was then I decided a few things. Among them were:
•no hierarchical couples
•no poly-babies

Did I mention J & V opened their relationship in October 2025? We met on Christmas Eve. (ohnoooo)

I do not feel like a whole person in a relationship. I am the one that is forced into radio silence any time there is discomfort, even if (I believe) I did not cause it. My time with V is often determined by J’s schedule, or “let me ask J.” I get it. Decades. It’s not something I don’t understand or something I overlook.
But I am told I am wildly loved and valued and wanted and needed and seen as whole.

Recently there was a date night mixup. It was supposed to happen Friday but their anniversary concert was actually that night. First, on Saturday morning, J texted me apologizing and saying I should see V that night. I only responded that an apology was appreciated but not necessary and wished them a wonderful anniversary. Later, V texted me asking if we could hang out that night. I thought about it (I’ve been working for 8 days, at least 10 hours most days) and decided I wanted to see V more than I wanted to rest. We formed a plan to meet friends of mine at a bar. V asked if J could join and I said yes.

Later Sat night, V & J went to a show. They decided to go to a bar after. I was invited when I was done with work. It quickly turned into “you should join us!” instead of like, “I/We can’t wait to see you!” My friend from earlier canceled, and my sister wanted emotional support at a venue V and I frequent. V AND J didn’t want to go to the venue, so they declined. I communicated that I wasn’t aware it was a “three or none” situation that night but we’d work something out. I decided to go to the venue and toldV I’d see them in two weeks. (We see each other twice a month.) V ended up meeting us at the venue alone despite me expressing interest in seeing them both and also being okay going solo.

The next day (Sunday) I texted J thanking her for considering me, being patient, and wanting to hang out in a couple of weeks. (The three of us have plans to hang in two weeks. We rarely all spend time together.) She responded expressing she was upset after reading my texts with V and interpreting them as me not wanting to see her. She was also upset V was texting me Saturday making plans to make up for our cancelled plans, and also expressed she isn’t in a place to talk about it. I said I understand and am ready to chat if she decides she is, even if it’s in a few days or however long.

Now I’m at home, on Silent Duty until at least Thursday because that’s what J & V need.

This feels cruelly unfair to me. I feel like a very casual girlfriend. Disposable. A second thought.

I’m not sure how to move forward, but I know I love V and don’t want to live a life without getting to love him.