On the brink of killing myself

I have mobility issues. Walking for more than 5 minutes is difficult for me. July 2025, when I was 16, I was going to undergo an operation on my feet so I could walk properly.

A few weeks before the surgery. I got the news that I had a tumour on my adrenal gland. The surgery was postponed. I was assured I would be put back on the top of the waiting list.

It's been over a year and, I've recently turned 18. I have no idea what's happening with my surgery. I'm being transferred to a specialist adult hospital now. I've tried emailing, calling, to no avail.

I've realised that, nobody gives a fuck. Everything in my life is falling apart. I've failed education. I've failed at my own hobbies and interests. I've failed at everything.

Maybe life just isn't meant for some people. I kept kidding myself into thinking it would get better but these last few days have been the catalyst.

I bought a rope for this reason. It's comforting knowing at any time, I can tie a noose and end it all. I've even tried suffocating myself to see how it feels. It's extremely painful but I know it only lasts 20-30 seconds before I would pass out from lack of oxygen.

I don't know what else I can do. I'm an adult now yet I feel like I'm 15. I don't think I'll make it to see 19. I really don't.