Struggling with self-hatred after my last relationship

I’ve been treated really well by my exes in the past. We ended things on good terms, and I never felt like I lost myself in those relationships the way I did in this one.

In my most recent relationship, she chose to reach out to her ex while we were still together. Somehow, I ended up being the one who was in the wrong and had to apologize for not understanding her. Even when other guys would hit on her, she would often choose to respond to them. But when someone showed interest in me, all I did was tell her about it without even talking to those people, and she still told me that I was disrespecting her.

There were times when she’d be in a bad mood all day because of a nightmare, and I’d spend the entire day trying to comfort her. Somehow, I ended up apologizing for not being able to make her feel better or “make her have a good dream.”

I drove through heavy rain for over an hour just to get her medicine and took care of her myself whenever she was sick. But she never seemed to appreciate any of it. And when I was the one who got sick, she barely seemed to care.

Whenever we had problems, I always tried to see things from her perspective. I kept assuming that I was the one who was wrong every time. Eventually, I even started feeling guilty for feeling hurt in the first place.

And despite all of that, I stayed because I loved her. That’s probably what made it so painful, because I couldn’t seem to leave even when I knew how much I was suffering.

Whenever I had a bad day, somehow I’d end up feeling even worse because she would often make things harder instead of being there for me. I never asked for much. I just wanted her to be by my side.

I’ve never disliked myself this much before, and honestly, I don’t really know how to get that part of me back