i don’t think i’ll ever feel normal again

i’m about to be one full year out from my 3 year long abusive relationship. the relationship was abusive in every way from verbal physical sexual emotional, betrayal etc. and in the past year he’s done everything he can to hurt me example letting his new girlfriends call my personal phone number and making up lies about me all while harassing me to get back together.

and i do feel better in so many ways. my career is thriving, im completely independent i’ve grown my business so much and i truly have everything i’ve ever wanted. it’s amazing not to wake up in anxiety or constantly be worried about getting cheated on or arguing every single day.

but i just don’t feel normal. i’ve tried dating and i just am repulsed. it’s not fair he gets to just live normally and be surrounded by other people who help take his pain away when there’s nothing that could take my pain away. i truly believe that some people only have one chance for true love in life and im one of those people, i bond for life and i feel like i love deeply like an eternal love. and it sounds messed up but i would’ve taken him back by now if he hadn’t gotten another girlfriend and let her bother me. even though he was abusive, i thought he just had issues but i thought our bond was real and our love was real and worth it. and when the other girl started calling me it just made me realize that nothing we had was ever special or meaningful, this is just what he does. it doesn’t matter who he’s with he just needs someone. it bothers me deeply that i can’t truly move on and be happy with someone else when im doing all the right things. and to everyone else it looks like ive moved on and am thriving, but this ache in my heart doesn’t ever go away. i wish so badly i left at the first sign of disrespect and saved myself. it’s hard to explain and i have no one who understands. i don’t love my ex and it’s not even feelings of like having sex with him and missing him and wanting that. but i just feel forever changed. i feel like im incapable of having romantic feelings again and it makes me sad and depressed. i feel like a loser for not being able to be with or sleep with someone else a year later. everyone i know moves on like nothing and im stuck in this weird limbo where i know i dont want to be with my ex but i literally cant be with anyone else.