feels so unfair

i don’t understand why it had to be me, my dad committed suicide 6 months ago. i’ve heard stories of people doing the way he did and miraculously surviving, why couldn’t that be my story? what if he regretted it, so many questions.. im 17, i was in the room before he did it and it still makes me sick to my stomach and angry this had to be my life. maybe im just in a different stage of grief, im not mad at him. i just miss my dad