I was assaulted by my ex and now i'm reconsidering my friendships

I (18F) was assaulted by my ex girlfriend (19F) at a our graduation party when i was seventeen and she was eighteen. For context, we got together while on our junior year on high school. We had a pretty good and fairly healthy relationship until she decided to break up with me. We stayed close friends because apparently lesbian relationships work like that. A month or so after we broke up, she got with a new guy, and i respected that, was mostly happy for her and put aside the fact that it hurt a little. After we graduated, we had a party, in which she got very drunk, i didn't notice how drunk she was, there were really not much signs, she seemed pretty sober, or at least just tipsy. I had drank some, but was mostly sober.

During that party, we ended up talking alone, which we usually did anyways, since talking had always come easy for us. She kissed me. I pushed her away and then i didnt. I started crying because i still loved her and it all just got to me. I was emotional and just overwhelmed by it all. I was crying hard, so she suggested to go to an empty bathroom to what i supposed would be help me calm down. In the bathroom, she started making out with me and telling me she still loved me. I'm not proud of it, but i reciprocated, i was tipsy and confused and wasn't really thinking. I kept crying and saying shed regret it the next day and she just kept saying that she wanted it. Making out turned into -almost- more and it suddenly hit me that she had a very real, very nice boyfriend. So i told her that i wanted to stop, that it didn't feel good anymore for me. And she didn't stop. She touched me in ways that had been okay before, but weren't anymore. I told her to stop and that it hurt countless times. I remember she had stiletto nails, which only made it hurt more. I pushed her away. Then she started making out with me and groping me again.

By the time we went out of that bathroom, she was visibly drunk. Like i was helping her walk drunk. She hadn't been like that before. Shed been completely fine until we crossed the door. I would have never gone into that bathroom if i knew she was drunk. I want to make that clear. I felt really confused and hurt. Id put all of my trust in her, told her id been in abusive situations before. I told her a lot of times that i had a hard time with penetration, not from trauma but just from the way my body responded to it (idk if that's too much information lol). I had never denied sex before to her, never said no, had always been open to try new things if she mentioned them. I just trusted her with my body and felt so betrayed after. Back at the party, i tried to go to my closest friends. One of them had gone home, two of them were too busy dancing. So i called my mom so shed get me.

I didn't tell my mom. I told my two closest friends at the time. One of them being my best friend, who ill call M. Months passed from the assault and the sequels of it started showing. Nightmares, trouble sleeping, flashbacks, a hard time with intimacy and physical contact. I used to hug everyone and love touching. I guess it was a sensory thing; loved holding hands and kissing cheeks or just being close to my friends. Now i cant really stand it. It makes me feel weird. I feel disgusting and scrub myself raw on the shower every morning and nights when i'm able. My ex didn't get any consequences. I heard she told her boyfriend, i guess he forgave her or something. She knows what she did, even if she didn't remember, i told her, twice, before breaking contact and blocking her.

M knows everything. And still follows my ex and sometimes talks to her on social media, which bugs me. I don't want to be the kind of friend who tells her friends who to be friends with. Id hate being a toxic person. But it got to the point where i was constantly thinking about it and i just asked her to completely cut her off. She ignored my message the first time. The second time too. Then i asked her on call. She told me she didn't care enough about her to cut her off, which didn't make a lot of sense. She also said that if my ex was a man, it'd be easier to cut her off. Which hurt. I asked her again, explained how much it hurt me, how bad i needed for ONE PERSON to cut her off (since most of my friend group is still friends with her, which a lot of times makes me feel like im crazy and making it all up), that i needed my best friend to cut my abuser off. She promised she would, that she'd do it that week, that she wanted to tell her first. I agreed. Its been a bit more than a month, i haven't asked again. She keeps saying shell do it, always this week or 'there's too much going on' which yes, she has had a lot going on recently (even though i've asked a few times over the lasts few months too) or 'she doesn't have the time to think about this stuff'. And it hurts, and even though shes been my best friend for years, this is making me think about cutting her off.

I love M to death, shes really a good person. But this has been a lot for me. I don't want to cut her off but i can't keep draining myself with this. What should i do? I'm open to other thoughts and questions, just please be nice! I'm still trying to heal and get over what happened, i'm still figuring stuff out. I've been wanting to tell my mom but i don't know how to explain either. Sorry if this was too long!