Always slipping through the cracks

I've been lonely as long as i can remember, i never fit it not even with my family and i don't want to, i want to be loved and wanted and understood just as i am.

In highschool i made some good friends, people i didn't have to preform for. I even have a best friend i can go to when i need a shoulder to cry on. I don't doubt that she loves me but I'm the only one keeping our friendship together, she never texts or calls, she is perfectly happy to be without me... I moved away and i know I'll never hear from her.

Now I'm 24, I've moved in with my mom because she's the only person that's willing to lend a hand in my life. But she's doesn't like that I'm trans (or anythingabout me really). She pretends that she's okay with it, but she's emotionally manipulated me too many times and i can't trust her with my troubles anymore. She's the only person that wants "me" in her life, but only the version she's made up in her head.

All my family pretends they love me and care about me but they are never there for me in the ways i NEED them to be; Always making exscuses for why they can't be.

No one calls or texts. I'm only liked for how helpful and forgettable i am.

I don't know how to cope with it. I'm surrounded by "love" but no one WANTS me, no one asks for ME. It's crushing.

I hate how i cling to every little scrap of affection like it actually means something, I'm just so fucking desperate for anyone to care.

I wish everyone would stop pretending so i could stop caring...