why does this disorder make me want bad things?

is it the BPD? Is it the adhd, anxiety depression PMDD and everything else I got left in the dust for?

After my relationship ended I thought the high I was riding was going to be okay. Turns out I like bad things to happen to me or I like feeling bad.

I’m splitting right now over something I don’t deserve to care about and it’s eating me alive.

why does someone else who ruined parts of me get to be happier than me? I deserve good feelings too.
I wish I could sleep forever it sounds so nice.