Friend wants space indefinitely

I want to preface this by saying I know I have my own things to work on, and am currently doing that. I have a therapist, I'm on meds, and I go to a support group weekly. I know where I messed up.

In the last few years my (31F) friendship with "T" (30f) has changed.

T and I met while I was working part-time in retail, and we clicked immediately. We were single at the same time, into similar things. We would talk and hang out here and there.

After bars opened back up during Covid, T, myself, and two other friends started hanging out pretty consistently. It was like an every day thing. Eventually we stopped hanging out with one person in our group because she would constantly overshare, not respect boundaries, and did not get the help she needed even after we offered support and help to her.

T and I have been through a lot together. Several moves, ends of situationships, bad jobs, mental health struggles, etc.

Two years ago T got a boyfriend. He seemed kinda sketch at first and I remember a specific night in which T asked our friendgroup to drive her around to look for her bf because he didn't have service/couldn't answer his phone unless he had wifi. I drove her around. I could have said no, but I did not which I realize I could and should have said no. She was very, very upset and rightfully so. They patched things up after that and things were fine.

She started not spending as much time with our friend group, which I understand to a degree. If you have a partner, you want to spend time with them. It made me sad and hurt that she wasn't spending a lot of time with us (our friend group), and we spoke about it. It seemed like the conversation went well and that things were okay. We have had a few other check in conversations with our friendship in the last two years as well and I thoguht things have been fine.

Last September was a nightmare for me. My grandma died, my boyfriend at the time was going into rehab, and I didn't know what to do with myself. My depression was really kicking my ass and it was hard to do really anything. Maybe I was too much and was leaning on my friends too hard. I will own that.

At the end of June, I was feeling very, very resentful. Between September and June, I had broken up with my bf, another friend graduated from medical school and was preparing to move across the country, T getting a position in her field, along with me having embarassing health problems that after sharing with my friends (all of whom laughed at me) made me feel like I can't and shouldn't open up to them anymore. Things started to feel like, no matter what I do, I am not allowed to make any mistakes. When I share that I am struggling with my mental health, grief, whatever, I feel like my friends just didn't care. I felt like there was a double standard that showed up in the last few years because I have made some not great decisions in the past that my friends seem to not be able to let go of. (Context: one summer I doubled my dose of a stimulant for my ADHD with the permission of my psychiatrist, and they jumped down my throat, in addition to feeling like I'm not allowed to complain at all or talk about work because "all i do is complain" when all of my friends complain???? Like make it make sense for me pookie)

I lashed out at everyone about how I cancelled plans with them because I wanted to hurt their feelings on purpose, which is really toxic and shitty of me. T told me that "maybe I should just hang out with other friends" or something along those lines, and I felt so gutted. It felt like I didn't matter, like our friendship just got thrown in the bin. I tried to patch things up in a week or so, but everyone needed time to feel what they needed to. Rightfully so, as I had said some shitty things.

T and I had a phone call and I finally started to pushback and say how I have been feeling, but it seemed like T had made up her mind. She is convinced that I resent her boyfriend (which I really do not, I'm just not a talkative person unless someone talks directly to me), among other things.

I acknowledge our relationship was very codependent for a long time (which lowkey think she's codependent on her bf but whatever) and that she and I really, REALLY need some space. I have become someone I do not like while our friendship has become so enmeshed. Maybe she has too, I'm not sure and right now I really don't care. She has hurt my feelings and I am unsure if I can rebuild the trust I have with her. I feel like I don't want to continue the friendship and have been grieving the loss of it since July.

If anyone has gone through something similar, how did you get through it? Am I overreacting, am I crazy for feeling this way? I don't know what to do with myself. Thanks for reading this far.