sorry this is just a rant as a poor mentally ill college student (music + English) and how I feel like my existence is an embarrassment 

also context for second slide, Arnold Jacobs is a famous tubist who has made pretty epic method books and rn my love for tuba is one of the few things stopping me from killing myself

what do I even do omg I’m so lucky to be in college, everything is falling apart like I can’t have a real job outside of uni so I literally have no money. I’ve been surviving off of selling nsfw pics and my bf lending my cash sometimes. if I didn’t live on campus I would actually be homeless this is is so embarrassing 

cptsd, adhd and quiet bpd make me too awkward to have a JOB job like i was fired from my last job for being too slow as a waitress. so like the only way I can get money is being in school bc im a damn good student at least BUT I DONT EVEN GET ANY OF MY SCHOLARSHIP MONEY, IT PAYS MY TUITON AND I HAVE NO MONEY OF MY OWN

AND I CANT EVEN GET A JOB ON CAMPUS. like I was gonna be music history and writing tutor, the only shit I’m good at BUT I GET TOO MUCH SCHOLARSHIP MONEY????

like holy fucking shit??? i love school but im starting to lose it, like im forced to see all these other students with large friend groups and supportive families, NONE OF WHICH I HAVE which is why im fucking broke

it’s so embarrassing, some other music major invited me and other marching band people yo dinner then started lowk making fun of me when I gave a small tip. like I’m sorry I don’t have mommy and daddy’s money to help me with college????????

like everyone is nice to me don’t get me wrong but I get geneuinely suicidal being so obviously mentally ill with no family compared to everyone else

I overheard a euphonium player talking abt how he loves to play music with his dad and I just cope and seethe with jealousy. like I wish I had a dad

when I was in high school and I’d practice my tuba at home I just had to pretend not to hear my mom fighting with her bf or my aunt screaming at her and just so much, I also had to be told repeatedly that I will regret college

dude being a student with a goal of getting a PhD in musicology is my only reason to live. like music and music research is the only place I feel welcome

like my family yelled at me for just having the audacity to exist, I got beat all the time and I was just Not Wanted. however, as a musician, esp a tuba player, you’re always needed!! like and it’s okay to be wrong too, like that’s part of the learning process. however, when I was ‘wrong’ as a child, it was just another reason to get beat and I carry that trauma all the time with me. I am still so vehemently jealous of my classmates who I assume are more functional than me, who I assume who have better families than me

like yes I am in therapy, I’m doing EMDR and all that like I am much better than I was a year ago. WAY BETTER than I was in December 2025 when I had a half assed suicide attempt

but I’m so tired of needing to think of all this bullshit, I’m tired of needing to think of money (aside from school, I’m in debt like $1.5k and idk how to pay it bc I literally CANT get a job rn idk i will try for disability), I just wanna focus on my passions: academia and music

people act like I’m stupid for being so passionate about school, like it’s the only thing I can see myself doing. I really really wanna be a professor, I work hard in school but I feel like a failure for not being able to do a ‘Normal’ job

This is incoherent but I just needed to cry somewhere abt having such big academic goals as a first-gen traumatized student ugshdhdh 

ALSO I will say it’s fucking annoying how much of my sucesss is defined by my trauma???? so many people hear about how well I do in school and they’re like “wow I can’t believe you did all that with all of ur problems” and then I have to constantly capitalize on my trauma and sanitize the stories of my mom being on drugs my whole life bc scholarship donors eat that up. I’m trauma porn, I’m the fucked up person everyone points at “if her damaged ass can do it, so can I” I understand it is kind of impressive that I’ve managed to get this far in school when I could’ve easily become my mom BUT IM SO TIRED OF BEING DEFINED AS MY TRAUMA

I WANT AGENCY

I WANT INDIVIDUALITY

I WANT TO BE ME WITHOUT ALL THE MENTAL ILLNESS I JUST WANT TO PURSUE MY PASSIONS 

I’m ineligible for work study because I get too many scholarships!! IM STILL BROKE