Being aroflux makes me feel so alone & guilty

(This may be a long rant so sorry in advance)

My entire life ive dealt with depression & a consistent feeling of loneliness & guilt, and it unfortunately doesn’t stop at my orientations. Ive semi recently learned about being aroflux & how the definition fits me perfectly; as someone who constantly goes in and out of aromantism, and where i am in an aromantic state i feel disgusted by anything love wise, this happens both in and out of relationships and regardless of how good or bad the relationship is. But in a weird way it makes me feel so alone.

The loneliness feelings stems from feeling like im in the middle rather than being on one side or the other. Even when i feel a disconnect from love, weather its hating it, or not feeling like i understand it, or feeling nothing for years, my brain for some reason turn this into a “well…your not REALLY aromantic. Its just a phase since you’d never be able to fully connect with REAL aro’s!” And its frustrating. Then when i do feel love, i feel it deeply, i get obsessive & needy & i get further pushes into this idea that i’ll never be able to fully connect or fully understand allo’s or aro’s. That im just this weird thing in the middle, its so frustrating especially when i know im NOT alone, but the feelings persistent

Then when it comes to the guilt, its more when im in an allo state & dating someone. I always want to give my partner my all, and as i already said, i get quite obsessive and feel like all the love i possibly can gets poured into them, but once im back in the aro state, i feel so awful for not being able to give them the same level of love, if any at all, since ive caught myself pretending to do things i could do so easily in allo states. Which also, unfortunately, had some partners take advantage of & tried pushing me into doing things i didnt want to under the premise “oh so you dont love me then?”, and obviously with the suffocating guilt, i’d just do what they wanted so they wouldnt leave me. Which i guess is what it all boils down too. I don’t want to disappoint my partner or upset them or make them think they’re not loved, especially when im in aro states, but man does it feel shitty, especially when they want to do or talk about lovey things & i just sit there like a blank doll that doesn’t know what to say.

Im not currently in a relationship, I’ve been in a aro state since April & feel disgusted by dating/love & haven’t had feelings for someone since march, but it all still applies. I don’t know if i’ll date again, but if i do i just wish i had the proper words to say to them, so they’d know i love them no matter what. Even if i don’t understand love. Even if im unsure of how to express love towards them. I just wish there was a proper way to deal with neither of us getting hurt. So far this hasn’t been the cause for any of my breakup’s but it still bothers me in the back of my head.

i think im going all over the place and this may be incoherent but thats the overall rant…🥺👍🏾

Also sorry for any spelling / grammar mistakes im so baaaad at both