Still recovering

I'm the BP, about 2 weeks away from the one year anniversary of D-Day. I can tell the fact that the anniversary is coming up is messing with me.

Since D-Day, we've done so much work. WP has gotten her own weekly therapist, we do CC every other week, and I can tell the difference between the lies she was telling before versus the truth now in how painful but at least honest (finally, I hope) all of this has been.

This whole experience has been traumatic. I'm doing so much better than I was a year ago, when I didn't yet know but was so confused and hurt by her thoughtless and selfish behavior. This week, it feels like the year has flown by in a flash. I've been feeling my anger rekindling (it's been a glowing ember I might never get rid of and might never want to), and my feelings of betrayal resurfacing.

I have been fundamentally changed by this experience. I used to be so innocent. I believed love meant safety. I know I've made progress in healing and we've made progress in reconciling. I just wish I wasn't still so angry, still so sad. I wish I could trust, but it's do hard when my trust senses have been broken. Reconciliation or not, I guess I'm just making this post to say I miss who I used to be. I didn't deserve this. (Not saying anyone does.)