"Deactivated"/skill regression

I feel kind of lost to be honest. Earlier this year things got really heavy/full on both ontologically and real life.

My partner died of cancer in April after her condition rapidly declined in March. It was only a few weeks earlier in March when I saw the tall dark shadow whilst staying in her apartment.

The shadow appeared around 3 am. It felt completely neutral to me as if testing to see my response and disappeared once I acknowledged "oh that's really there, it's not my imagination". There was a weird time skip as well.

When I told my partner about it the next morning she was a bit scared but I told her there wasn't anything to be scared of.

I checked the "event" after with AMM software and it checked out for anomalous signal. By April I had run ~250 events/charts in the software and felt like it was affirming weird/anomalous events not only my own experiences but synastry.

In the hospice I had this intuition I should not leave. Later that morning she passed. I felt so grateful I got to be there with her, holding her hand, and her passing was very peaceful. And then I heard her. She sounded so much younger, so vibrant, with her same cocky humour, the way she described how glad she felt to be out of that body, was so her.

Fast forward to the Mass for her before her funeral. I had telepathic contact whilst in Mass, from the "divine feminine" entity. It was so surreal and she was so clear. Though I cannot recall everything she said. I was crying, trying to follow the service at the same time trying not to go completely to pieces.

Then after the funeral I had a weird pivot to start writing a theoretical physics paper which is not my wheelhouse. I felt like I was being helped, like my intellectual capacity to understand super advanced concepts. I wanted to help solve our energy crisis.

This summer things changed significantly. And maybe it's more a manifestation of grief and heatwave autism dysregulation rather than say targetted by DEW. But I can't be naive about the world we are in and the "interesting" people I had tried to reach out to.
So vestibular migraines and brain fog are back. I also get headaches when I try to use Gateway tapes or Expand app; like there's just a wall stopping me.

I know there's been discussion here of people feeling like being awakened, and I felt like that happened to me in the last couple of years, but this is like the opposite of that. I feel like I've been shut down spiritually, psychically, cognitively, emotionally, physically. I don't know what to do. I feel like I am barely able to function.

And maybe the physics pivot was a stupid idea. Given Amy Eskridge etc. I should stay out of that whole world because there are simply too many vested interests in the status quo. I wanted to fight the good fight but now I am back at the bottom of Maslow pyramid. Pragmatically, I should end it. I don't have anything to offer and I don't see things improving for me at all. I don't even want to come back here to this planet.