Why do I (28f) feel so conflicted about my almost ex husband (33m)

I (28F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 5 years and we have a 4-year-old son.

My husband is an Indian Muslim and over our marriage I changed a lot about my life. I converted to Islam, started dressing more modestly, stopped drinking, and adapted to a lifestyle very different from what I pictured for myself.

I agreed to a lot of it, so I’m not saying I was forced. But one of our biggest arguments has been that I was excited about religion at first and willing to make these changes, but over time I’ve “gone back” on a lot of them. From his perspective, I agreed to this life and then changed my mind.

Honestly, I was only 22 when we got engaged. I don’t think I fully understood what it would all look like long term or what kind of life I’d actually want. Maybe I should’ve spoken up more when I started feeling disconnected from religion and some lifestyle changes, but I thought he wouldn’t be okay with it. I was also busy raising a baby and adjusting to being a new mom, so I think I just pushed those feelings down. He wasn't all bad he took care of me very well I never saw a bill our entire marriage and he let me buy whatever I needed and wanted. But idk I still felt so alone and misunderstood. I felt like I had to almost beg him to do activities happily with me and then I would think wow I did so much for this man and he doesn't even want to try this new activity with me? Bu

Another big issue was family living with us on and off throughout our marriage. I constantly felt like a guest in my own home and never really felt like I had privacy or that the house was mine too. When I’d bring it up, he’d say I always changed my mind the next day, and he wasn’t completely wrong. Sometimes I’d get upset, then later tell him it was fine and I was just annoyed. Looking back, I think I was trying to keep the peace and convince myself I could handle it, but the feelinhg never went away.

I also realized the life I wanted looked very different from the life we were building. I never wanted the big suburban house. I always imagined living in a smaller apartment in the city and being a young city mom with a more active, social lifestyle. This wasn’t a secret. I told him many times how important it was to me.

Over time I became really unhappy feeling like I didn’t belong in my big suburban home mostly socializing with people that a culturally similar to him. Idk I felt like he always had issues with my friends and sometimes even my family because they were so different they ate differently would drink around us and it made him uncomfortable. At a point I felt like it was just easier to attend my family and friends events without him.

A few months ago I went out with friends, got drunk, wore clothes I felt good in, and had a great time. I know I shouldn’t have lied about it and I feel guilty for that. But it was the first time in years that I felt like myself again — fun, carefree, bubbly, and like the girl I used to be.

When my husband found out, it turned into a huge fight. During that fight I finally admitted how unhappy I’d been and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. I ended up filing for divorce.

Another issue is that during some of our worst fights, he said really cruel and hurtful things. To clarify, it was mostly name-calling and cussing at me in the heat of the moment. I know I’ve gotten angry too, but I’ve never called him names or spoken to him on that level before. But I think I hurt him during fights in different ways i don't think I'm always the best at expressing myself which is frustrating. He has apologized and taken accountability, and I believe he’s sorry. But those moments still hurt idk why I can't let go of them.

I also suggested counseling many times throughout our marriage and he didn’t want to go. We finally started counseling after the partying incident and after I filed, but by then I’m not sure my heart was really in it anymore.

What makes this hard is that I actually believe him now. I think he finally sees his flaws and understands how his actions affected me. He says he wants to change for me and our son because he doesn’t want to lose his family but what if down the line he feels as lost as I do now?

he’s apologizing, taking accountability, and saying all the things I wanted to hear for years. He says he never realized things were serious enough that I would actually leave. He’s saying he’ll get the apartment I always wanted, won’t have family stay long-term anymore, will be more active, respect my boundaries, and basically do everything I’ve been asking for. But like why now it's almost hurtful now that he could have done this all along and now says it after I file divorce.

But part of what makes this so hard is that i feel like a relationship where u have to try that hard to change and accept each other isn't unconditional love for each other. I don’t want to make him feel like he has to go against his morals so I can explore myself. I don’t want our relationship to be based on either of us hoping the other person will change. I spent years trying to become the person I thought he wanted, and If he wanted to change for me why didn't he do it earlier in the relationship maybe he should have noticed when I was loosing myself.

if I’m being honest, I think what I’ve always wanted is to feel loved for exactly who I am. I know marriage requires compromise, but I don’t think it’s normal to feel that love is so conditional. But maybe I'm just giving up because I'm not getting the validation I'm seeking.

Now that I’ve finally done it, he’s becoming the person I always wanted him to be.

I do love him, but I’m so conflicted. I'm supposed to move out this week and finalize the divorce but I feel so sad all of a sudden like I'm thinking did I make this stuff up maybe he wasn't as bad as I thought I was just being negative maybe I'm a narcissist and only focused on my feelings idk I'm kinda spiraling here.

I have this urge within myself to get out and spread my wings and discover who I am but feel like I'm giving up on love and splitting up a family