I’ve been feeling so behind in life recently and it’s really depressing me. I’m in grad school which has been incredibly demanding for years. My long term boyfriend and I broke up last year, meanwhile most of my friends are engaged or married. Now people are starting to try for kids. I want to be happy for them but honestly I am just so so jealous. Like even seeing people I don’t know post on Reddit or twitter about pregnancies upsets me sometimes and then I feel insane and like a shit person because other people’s joy is of course important too. I just wish I could also have that. I don’t necessarily want a baby right *now*, but I’m nearing 30 and I really wish I at least had a relationship so I was like *on track.* And I know, I’ve heard the “you can’t just be desperate for a relationship, it’s about the person” and of course I know that, but I want my person. I have also heard “don’t compare yourself to others” and I GET that but a) that’s so hard and b) I’m also comparing myself to what I want in life and how I don’t have it. Not just others.

It bothers me so much because when I talk to people in my life about this they try to be reassuring and be like yes but you’ll have Degree and that’s great! And like…yeah but what am I going to do, come home after a long day at work and hug my diploma? Like I’m a person too not just my career and I want more than that. So it’s really not helpful to hear at all. 

I’ve been on dates and made an effort but nothing has panned out. And early dating sucks so much. I miss just being able to cook dinner together and cuddle and then go to sleep together at night. Going out and making small talk is so many steps down. 

Idk I don’t really have anything else I guess, I’m just super sad about it and wish things were different.

Lunch: Monster, smooshed chips, protein bar

feeling left behind