having an ugly face has ruined my life.

People treat me (22F) so poorly because of it.

I've been ugly for most of my life, and I've never had the opportunity to feel safe with my appearance. Some men use me for my body; they settle for me and leave when they find their desired time. Some women can be super cruel, bully me, take photos of me without my consent, and give me fake compliments.

I take care of my appearance, my health, skin, weight, hair, etc., but sometimes I receive awful treatment. I'm also a Black woman, so I experience racism and deal with racialized beauty standards inside of my community. I'm not pretty. I'm nothing.

I've been considering cosmetic surgery since I was a teenager, but I'm not sure if I want to keep going on anymore. I'm so depressed, and I keep getting hurt. No one cares because I don't look like the kind of woman worth considering. I'm expected to be strong, to be the placeholder, to be funny, intelligent, healthy, quiet, and not take up space.

I go back and forth, thinking that I'll be happy one day. "Maybe this won't matter anymore." Then I remember how my life has always been, no matter how many times I changed myself and tried to be digestible. No one was satisfied.

I don't even know how to be a woman anymore.