Dinner is pan seared miso salmon with rice, cucumbers and avocado

I consider myself to be pretty well adjusted. I’m in my mid twenties with a MS degree. I have a full time job that is literally the job I’ve been working towards since undergrad. I have hobbies including gaming, hiking, reading, drawing, climbing, etc. I just got my first pet and I live alone far away from family. I feel like I’ve done all the things and I’ve worked really hard to feed myself and what I need as a person to grow.

I hate that despite everything I still hope to find love and I hate that it seems the best way to go about doing that is to “try less”. I’ve been working to put myself out there in social events more but besides that I feel I need to try less which is frustrating since everything I’ve worked for my entire life involves more trying.

I’ve never been in a relationship before. I’ve tried the online dating thing and that’s only ended in heartbreak. I’m tired of trying. The thought of starting another talking stage with another man feeling like the only outcome is heartbreak feels sickening. I can’t bring myself to do it.

A part of me has convinced myself just a little that love is fake? It’s like my only way I can cope tbh…but at the same time deep down I know that it’s something I really really want to experience. 

And I hate that it’s something I want. 

I hate that I want to find love